Vehicle jokes

Does Lightning McQueen get life insurance or car insurance?

When they say you live by the sword, you die by the sword, not in Paul Walker's case. He lived by the car, died by a tree. Well, I guess the car was stumped.

Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"

Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"

Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."

Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".

He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"

Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."

How do you know you're following a DeLorean? The white line disappears.

Your dad never needed a van for you.

Can you drive a pizza? Of course, as long as you change the olive oil.

What is the last thing that goes through a fly's head when it hits the windshield?

Its butt.

The daughter of an incestuous pedophile goes into the living room where he is watching TV and asks him if she can borrow the car that evening.

"Sure honey! If you suck my dick!"

So she gets down on him but something is wrong. She pops her head up and says: "Dad! This tastes like shit!"

"Oh yeah, I forgot," says the father. "I already gave your brother the car for tonight."

There are two Mexicans in a car. Who's driving?

A cop.

If you run next to a car, you get tired, but if you run behind it, you get exhausted.

I'll be here all week... sadly enough for you.

Where would an astronaut park his spaceship? A parking meteor.

How many times does 42 go into 9?

Get in the van to find out.

Why did the car key never fit in?

He was too door key.

What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits a car's windshield at 100 mph?

Its ass.

How many astronauts can you fit into a VW Bug? 11, 4 in the seats, seven in the ashtray.

Q. Why did the kid drop his ice cream cone?

A. Because he got hit by a truck.

What kind of shoes does a kidnapper wear?

White vans.

What's the difference between a Lambo and 200 children in my basement? One screams; the children don't.

I got caught doing donuts in the parking lot, and I know what y'all are thinking.

Who names their dog Donuts?

I was at my grandparents' and saw someone breaking into a car. I told my grandpa, "He's trying to break into the car!" He said, "No, ours is in the garden."