Use jokes

When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.

What instrument do skeletons use? A trombone! Haha!

What did the depressed kid do in P.E.? They played with the jump rope, but they used it the wrong way.

Why don’t orphans know how to use a phone?

Because they don’t know where home is.

What unit of measurement is used on farms? Barn yards.

I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!

What kind of bath bomb does an emo person use?

A toaster.

What does the Trump administration use instead of emails? Alternative fax.

We stopped by the reception desk, but the receptionist informed us, "I am wan kin the manager." So we just left in disgust!

So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.

When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"

He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."

If the UK is 6 hours ahead of us, why didn't they just warn us about 9/11?

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine I should use to get the best looking women.

He said the ATM outside.

Two Indians talk over a long distance using smoke signals.

In the middle of the conversation, a nuclear bomb explodes behind one of them, and a huge cloud of smoke rises silently into the sky.

The other Indian signals with smoke: "Not so loud!"

Why do vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?

Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don’t like where real meat comes from.

I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."

I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

She said, "He was a little tardy."

I replied to her, "I thought they all were."

An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

I told a kid in a wheelchair, "Use your nitro boosts!"

Why does the sky think it's so powerful?

Because it's always looking down on us.