Use Jokes

I really used to be into emo chicks. Now they just don't make the cut.

Why do vegans use blowjobs?

Because they can’t take real meat.

Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The Bushes.

Why do vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?

Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don’t like where real meat comes from.

Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:

Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.

A picture shows Spongebob Squarepants dressed as a wizard, hanging from a rope. Text above the image reads: "After Spongebob realizes he cannot revive Hitler using black magic, he hangs himself." Text below the image says: "Saddest Suicide Story-You Will Cry" and "26,524 views"

Osama bin Laden rated America.

He gave us a 9/11.

Your mummy is so tall, she uses the Eiffel Tower as a dildo.

Yo mama so fat,

Donald Trump himself tried to use her as his border wall in 2016.

*Riddle:* All men have one, some got long, some got small. The Pope never uses his, and a man gives it to his wife after getting married. What is it?

My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.

So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"

I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"

My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.

Don't leave us hanging, Sayori.

Yesterday I made food using oil--olive oil.

(I love oil!)

What type of flour do orphans use to bake with...? Self-raising flour!

Everybody is talking about Trump having leaks in his office.

I don't see what the problem is. He should just use a better fitting diaper next time.

What did the priest say when he walked into an elementary school?

Let us prey.

It's sad when the person that gave you memories becomes a memory.

You know one of the worst feelings ever to exist?

When your parents and friends all still see the happy little kid you used to be...

...but in reality, that kid has been long gone for years. (not my words)

One day the mailman came to drop the mail off, then he asked if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah. The thing is, my mom was coming out of the shower naked, and when she opened the door, it was me and the mailman.

Now, when the mailman sees me, he says to me, "We got something in common, we both saw your mom naked."

9/11 is like genders.

There used to be two of them, and now it’s a touchy subject.

If anyone ever makes a time machine, please make a bunker for Hitler/the Nazis and send them to 2050. I want to see who would die first, future us or them.