"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!" Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.
was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
Not a joke but still dc
Fineman, Einstein and Schrodinger walked into a bar.
Fineman says "it appears we're inside a joke".
Einstein says "but only to an observer who saw us walk in simultaneously".
To which Schrodinger says "if someone's looking through the window, I'm leaving".
i saw a man trying to rape a dog, i decided to help, the dog cant stand a chance against the both of us
little jonny bad ass was sitting on a porch one day and a preacher was in the house little jonny bad ass had to use the bathroom so he bangs on the door saying mom i half to use the bathroomn his mom ses wait so little jonny bad ass sow a hat on the step he lookes around and pulls his pants down and shits in the hat well a few later the preacher comes out and ses i see u have my hat well little jonny bad ass ses ya i cout the wolds fasts berd the preacher ses well let me see him little jonny bad ass ses no i dont know well the preacher ses ill put my handes by the hat you lift and ill cach him well little jonny bad ass lifted the hat and the preacher clapt his handes and little jonny bad ass ses now see the bird don shit and ran.
What do Phillips adam and Kurt Cobain have in common?
They both used their brains to paint the ceiling
YouTubers: Among us in real life Bin Laden: Angry Birds in real life
‘You the bomb.’ ‘No, you the bomb.’ A compliment in the US, an argument in the Middle East.
Women say men are trash. Yet men made the phone,laptops, computer and electrical hardware she uses to say men are trash, nevermind the electricity she uses to power those devices....
I used to work for a company called 69, my friend took over my position.
among us is basically a game about betrayal.
what is war used for (put in comments below)
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labour, the doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father, they agree so the machine is used, 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not felling anything, 100%, nothing. The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
Why don't humans eat raw meat, because they use technology to cry about raw meet is good, go and leave bro, I'm going to ear sushi
Why use Heathrow when we have your forehead?..
My balls are so purple that I use them as crayons and I am not talking about the balls you play with I am talking about the boy balls
Your mamma so fat she has to use the equator as her belt
Why is Steven Hawkins arrested? The police used computer GPS
Name what guns are used for {wrong answers only}
One day little Jonny needs to use the bathroom. His mom is in there so he went in to use it and asked his mom what is that between your legs. His mom told him that is her bush. Then the next day the same thing happened but with his dad. He asked his dad what is that between his legs. He said my snake. The same thing happened one more time except with his grandmother. Little Jonny asked grandma what is on her chest. She said my headlights. One night little Jonny caught his parents doing something naughty. Then he said grandmaw grand maw turn on your head lights daddy snake is trying to get into mommy's bush.
