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Ups jokes

There once was a Mexican named Quan. He never talked about Dose. What happened to Dose?

Quan and Treis raped him. Once Quattro came out, they killed him. They were too poor to afford food, so they ended up eating Dose and Quattro.

Q: What’s the difference between a sleeping lady and an onion?

A: One doesn’t scream when you try to chop it up.

My friend dreamed of being a porno star.

He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him.

The next job he got was pumping petrol. Halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!

I woke up on the floor this morning. I think I woke up on the wrong side though.

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    • Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."

    A man was hitting a woman with his d*ck. Someone ran up to the man and said, "That's domestic violence!" The man replied with, "No, it's not domestic violence, it's dumbass-d*ck violence!"

    What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.

    What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.

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    • I was up all night because my neighbors were having sex.

    *I was actually up all night watching.*

    A wife and husband were setting up their computer, and the husband made the password "my dick." But the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.

    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    Because the chicken had 4 chicks and a cheating hen who all sucked out all his money he got from his extremely boring job, and he finally got some peace for himself and was going to the local bar, which was on the other side of the road.

    He walked in the door, wings sagging, feathers catching on his claws. The bartender eyes him as he sits on a bar stool. "Chuck, how ya doin'? The missus doin' good?"

    "Just give me the hardest stuff you got. I'm done."

    This caught the bartender by surprise. "Chuck, come on, don't be sayin' that. Just look to the future and you'll be fine."

    "What future?" Chuck replied in a huff. "My wife and chicks are so goddamn pestering sometimes, you know? But if I leave, they'll all suffer, and I don't want that either. Oh, God, Phil, I don't know what to do."

    "You know, you've got a good heart for a rooster your age," Phil answered. "We need that in these parts. I'm tellin' ya, there will be more than what's happenin' right now, ya know, life's got all its gears turning for ya, and there's just a bit slow right now. The gears haven't been oiled in a while, but who's the only one who can fix that?"

    Chuck knew the answer. "Me."

    Phil returned with his drink. "McClucken's Whiskey, on the house."

    Chuck glanced at his glass. He held it up to the light. His face reflected in an aura around it, neither looking forward to the light and not backward, either.

    "No thanks, Phil," Chuck sighed, "But thanks anyways."

    He went to get up out of his chair. Phil called as he walked out the door, "Just remember to oil the gears every now and then, eh?"

    Chuck's comb flapped in a cool breeze brought in by the season. A bench was nearby, staring across to the other side. And he just sat there, sat there thinking. Cars blurred to a colorfully colorless nothingness as he thought in silence.

    He could see an open window in his mind, full of chickens: a sassy hen, two identical sportish chick; another, older than the two, and body bristling with blue comb-dye and the latest thing he watched online fresh on his Chickstagram page; finally, the first of the bunch, shy, bookish, with a secretly courageous soul. They all looked... worried, worried for the rooster who guided them, helped them grow, supported them... and all looking out of the window back at him.

    A single tear welled in Chuck's eye.

    The chicken walked back across the road to his family, to his friends, and to the life he was content with.

    All my life I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to achieve something.

    Now, after messing up my life at every possible chance, I finally realize that what I really want is to have been someone after following through with one thing.

    I should be ashamed of myself for making all these jokes at the expense of the disabled! After all, they can't even stand up for themselves.

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    • Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.

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