Ups

Ups jokes

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This guy in a trench coat walks up to a kid, opens the trench coat and has glasses inside.

He says to the kid, “Hey kid, want some extra-see?”

My girlfriend broke up with me today, but it’s ok.

She said we can still be cousins.

A Christian Missionary walks up to some people and says, "Come! Meet Jesus!"

One of the guys takes out a knife and says, "You first."

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    • A blind guy walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He then picks his dog up by the tail and starts to swing him around. The bartender asks him, "Hey man, what the hell you doing?"

    Blind guy says, "Just looking around."

    Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up. Class: *no one stands up* Teacher: Oh c'mon. I know someone over here is dumb. *waves her finger around the left side of the room* Little Johnny: *stands up* Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you're dumb? Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you're standing alone.

    There once was a Mexican named Quan. He never talked about Dose. What happened to Dose?

    Quan and Treis raped him. Once Quattro came out, they killed him. They were too poor to afford food, so they ended up eating Dose and Quattro.

    Q: What’s the difference between a sleeping lady and an onion?

    A: One doesn’t scream when you try to chop it up.

    My friend dreamed of being a porno star.

    He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him.

    The next job he got was pumping petrol. Halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!

    I woke up on the floor this morning. I think I woke up on the wrong side though.

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    • Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."

    A man was hitting a woman with his d*ck. Someone ran up to the man and said, "That's domestic violence!" The man replied with, "No, it's not domestic violence, it's dumbass-d*ck violence!"

    What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.

    What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.

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    • I was up all night because my neighbors were having sex.

    *I was actually up all night watching.*

    A wife and husband were setting up their computer, and the husband made the password "my dick." But the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.