Two jokes

My two moods are “I can’t believe I get to be a person” and “I can’t believe I have to be a person.”

I told a disabled kid to get in my van. Well, it’s been two years, and he still hasn’t gotten into the van.

The phrase “Muslim women live in one of the hottest countries in the world and they can’t even expose their legs” has two meanings.

Two Chinese men walk into a bar.

"Owwwwwwwwwww," they say instead of "ouch."

All go gansta until the two towers fall down on you.

I hate two-faced people because I don’t know which face to slap first. :)

Yo mamma so dumb, she put two quarters in her ears and thought she was listening to 50 Cent.

A woman asked Stephen Hawking to dance, and he replied, "I'm not much good, I have two left feet."

"Then how about Karaoke?"

To which he replied, "I have two left throats."

I have two balls. Gay people have 23456789.

Two gays came into the bar and said, "What's up, you big faf mother of hell?"

A twin engine has two engines.

If one engine stops, the other will have just enough power to get the plane to the scene of the accident.

What did the white baby say to his Chinese parents?

"Two wongs don’t make a white."

Symptoms of Schizophrenia

The symptoms of this condition are fairly easy to recognize because they stand out so distinctly from a person’s usual behavior. In order for a diagnosis to be made, the person must suffer from two more of the following for at least one month:

Delusions

Hallucinations

Two muffins are sitting in a bar.

The first muffin says to the bartender, "I'll have the usual."

The second one does not say anything to the bartender because muffins lack the vocal ability of humans, and even with the proper anatomy capable of speech access, they would most certainly be entirely unable to comprehend the human language. In fact, the first muffin would indefinitely not be able to provide speech to the bartender. The muffins also lack the muscular structure to be capable of support themselves to being suspended also preventing their access to movement. Even with the human-like structure, muffins lack brains, which are an essential part of being able to send nerve contact within the legs to be able to move. Also, with them lacking a brain structure entirely prevents them from speech. The anatomy simply prohibits the food items mentioned to be able to carry out any of the tasks required to get them to said bar and be able to speak, thus making the situation untruthful and completely idiotic.

The FitnessGramTM Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20-meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.

Level 1 Feel it One Two Three Four Five Six Seven; end of level one.

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks...

Two brothers were arguing. One went: "You're an idiot!"

The other went: "Your brother's a mother!"

He replied: "Yeah, I know. Thanks for agreeing with me."

What did the two oceans say to each other?

Nothing. They just waved.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two ;)

Ok, here's a story about the church.

There were two parents, then they had a baby. Then they go to the church and the baby was getting a cross on his forehead. Guess he was big headed. Sorry if this offends anyone or makes this joke bad since I keep writing this.