Two jokes

Why do Americans suck at chess? Because they lost two towers.

Two boys came home for dinner late, and their mother asked, "Where have you boys been?" One of them replied with, "We were all over the neighborhood, we're mailmen now." Their snobby teen sister said, "Well, you're not real mailmen, real mailmen use real letters." Then one of the boys said, "Actually, we used real letters, we found a whole box of them under your bed."

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.

Two husbands walk into a bar.

The first one says, "My wife is an angel."

The second one says, "You're lucky, mine is still alive."

What do maths and 9/11 have in common?

They both prove two parallel lines can be intercepted by a plane.

Poor Bubba got burnt up so bad in a house fire that the coroner needed someone to identify the body. So Bubba's two best friends (the three were inseparable) agreed. The first friend said, "Hard to tell, can you turn him over?" The coroner looked perplexed but did so. "Nope, that's not Bubba." The second friend said, "He's burnt up pretty bad, can you roll him over again?" The coroner didn't understand but rolled him over anyway. "Nope, that's not him." Pretty confused, the coroner asked, "How can you tell it's not him by rolling him over?" "Well, you see, Bubba had two assholes." "Impossible," the coroner replied. The friends said, "I don't know, but every time we went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

How did the USA beat Japan in rapping?

By dropping two of the biggest roasts.

Two cows are out grazing in the field. One cow says to the other cow, "Aren't you worried about this mad cow disease that's been going around?" The other cow replied, "Why would I be worried about mad cow disease? I'm a rabbit!"

Why did the Columbine High School basketball team lose the big game?

Because they lost their two best shooters...

What do emos and the Twin Towers have in common? There were two, but now there are none.

Two chinamen walk into a bar. The landlord says, "Why the same face?"

A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.

A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.

The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”

Why are Americans so bad at Clash of Clans? Because they already lost two towers.

Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail?

A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.

Q: Why did the two gate-builders start fighting?

A: Because they were fencing.

Why is the USA so bad at chess?

Because they already lost two towers.

Just because she weighed as much as two women... Doesn't mean you had a threesome.

I saw a guy raping a girl in the park, so I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance against the two of us.

Two baked beans traveled around Australia.

They both ended up in Cairns.

Two men ran into a bar. You would have thought after the first one hit it, the second one would have seen it.