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Kid: Dad, what is it like to be drunk?

Dad: You see those two trees over there? If you were drunk, you would see four.

Kid: Dad, there is only one tree.

How many letters are in the English Alphabet?

Twenty-two. ET went home, P ran down his leg, and he took ME with him.

Jack and Jill went up a hill, each with a buck and a quarter.

Jill came down, and she had two-fifty! Oh, what a whore! (Andrew Dice Clay joke.)

Two people are sitting in a skyscraper.

P1: Hey, what wifi are you connected to? The company wifi is horrible.

P2: Airplane wifi.

Today my idiot brother screamed, "Ahhhhh, I'm dead!" But it wasn't really, so I decided to make it a reality until my sister came...

AND HELPED ME! - for once, but then two minutes later my mom showed up. We killed him right in front of her, and she screamed! "Donuts and pizza for you and more if you go to Mrs. Roberts' house and say hi and bye to Daddy!!!!!" And she hands us both a sharp tool, and I say, "What about Tommy??!!! Aren't you MAD!!!!!!!" Then she replied, "Who's THAT!!??? Coz he ain't mine. His name is Tommy, Tommy Roberts."

So then me and my sister visit Mrs. Roberts, and she said, "Oh, this isn't anything important. Go home!" So then my sister and I say hi! and do a countdown. After that my Nike white jumper had turned red! IT WAS A MUCH BETTER COLOUR, MUM SEEMED TO APROVE AS WELL! 😊😊😊 But then the police question us where daddy was, so then Mom said....................... oh he's moved on! So then the police officer was like, "Ahem, ma'm where!" SO THEN I BELLOWED.......................... UP - UR -A##. And we got let off the hook, then we moved oh and we k!lled the cop 2 and oh did i meantion we HAD a maid, and a landlord and a cat but they were all 2 annoying so we got rid of them and now our new backyard is very smellyyy and i dont think there is enoff space to put muummy anymore so now i dont think sissy will fit either🧐 i will ask my neibour nessy she'll obviously say YES or ill........................................

ok like for part two☺☺☺

A husband walks into the bedroom door holding two aspirin and a glass of water.

His wife asked what that was for.

"It is for your headache."

"I don't have a headache."

He smiles. "Gotcha!!!!"

I have two things I wanna say:

1. When people swear, stop taking it so fucking literally. If someone calls you a bitch, they're not calling you a female dog. If they call you a cunt, they're not calling you a woman's private part, they are calling you either an idiot, scaredy cat/baby, or something along those lines, ffs.

2. wtf

Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."

I asked my doctor if it was normal for one of my nuts to be bigger than the other two.

Little Johnny got a train set for Christmas. He takes it around the circle, parks it at the station, and says, "Alright, you motherfuckers get off here, and you motherfuckers get off here." His mom comes rushing in and says, "Little Johnny, we don’t use that kind of language, go to your room and think about what you did!"

After a few hours, she lets him out of his room. He goes back to play with his train set. He takes it around the circle, parks it at the station, and says, "Okay, you guys get off here, and you guys get off here. And if you have any complaints about the two hour delay, take it up with the bitch in the kitchen."

  • 1

    • The definition of a stalker is two people going on a romantic walk, but only one person knows about it.

    Americans don't like playing chess with Muslims; last time they did play, they ended up losing two towers.

    If you wanna get fat, what's the quickest way to do it?

    Eat two jars of mayo each day, and in about a month, your scale will have your phone number!

    I had to share a table recently with a disabled man. When I asked him for the salt and pepper, he had to make two trips.

    Snake one: Are we venomous?

    Snake two: Yep!... Why do you ask?

    Snake one: Cuz I just bit my tongue!!! (Drama scene)

    What are two things you could call a fart?

    "Gas from the ass" or "Odor from the motor!"