Two atoms were walking on a street. One atom said to the other: "I'm feeling really positive today" and the other replied: "I know. I stole your electron". Then the first atom said "How Ionic"
Two Australians walk into a bar, they run into the ceiling fan immediately.
Trump and two of his friends are stranded on an island with no internet connection and no way of getting home. As they frantically run around the island trying to get a signal so Trump can call his private helicopter to come and pick them up, Trump’s wig falls off and lands on a magical lamp, from which suddenly appears a genie. As Trump replaces his wig, the genie announces that he will grant each man one wish for freeing him. The men stop to confer. The first one says he will wish for a plane to rescue him, the second wishes for a boat to rescue him and they tell Trump to wish for a helicopter to rescue him. Trump, being Trump, nods and says yes but he wasn’t really listening. Then they approach the genie. The first one of Trump’s friends wishes for a plane to rescue him, as agreed. The second one of Trump’s friends wishes for a boat to rescue him, as agreed. Then Trump is left all alone, but instead of wishing for a helicopter to rescue him, as agreed, he says, “Aww, I’m lonely now. I wish both my friends were here with me!”
A man who desperately wanted to be good after serving time in prison was visited by an Angel "You want to change? You can still enter heaven on two conditions ..you must bet on the horses with any money you have and pass your winnings to someone less fortunate and you must never hold on to any beef . " The Angel then disappeared. The man did as was told and became generous and kind ..as he emerged from the betting office with all his money... he would pass every penny of it all to a deserving person..each and everytime. He ,however couldn't seem to avoid meat and would still eat it no matter what . When he died the Angel came back for him .. "But I'm undeserving I can't come with you" he said .. "Yes you can" replied the Angel , "you gave all your stake ( steak) away"
Why was one afraid of every number in the world?
Because ONE wanted TWO get something THREE FOUR FIVE at the yard sale, but SIX was not there. SEVEN EIGHT NINE as well. When all but ONE remained, it got TENse.
What has two names and one ☝️ big home 🏠 ? A person
A mom and her two children were eating at a place well playing trivia when she ask what does aids stand for? Her son Dallyn has no idea but her daughter Emberlee who has always been a little odd says ‘’ An Intentional Disease’’ her brother mom just Stared!
What is a dog 🐕 with only two legs 🦵? A human
What can you not ride with two wheelchairs? A burger 🍔 one wheelchair
Two fish in a bowl, First fish asks "Haven't i seen you around here before?" The second fish replies "F**k me a talking fish!!!!"
I was asking people who knew Trump if he would win a second term. Stormy said, "No way, he doesn't have two in him!"
What has two legs but can’t walk? Pants 👖
What happens if you mix the two names Shannon and Stephanie? You have the name Shanny
Two people just met. One said, “We should do some bonding.” The other nodded and said back, “Titanic.” The first just looked confused so the second one just said, “Sorry, thought that would be a good icebreaker.”
Why can't two Asians make a white baby?
Because two wongs don't make a white.
So one day, I took a trip to Russia, and saw Vladimir Putin walking in the streets without any body guards. Seeing as how I looked just like him, we switched places for a few days. After two days, some officer came up to me and asked if we were going to project блять, and I had said yes, and the officer said god help us. So a day later, I heard on the news that every other continent, and the moon were destroyed. I then approached the officer and said. I thought you meant we were having a giant orgy. He said we did, and that we were extremely drunk.
Most annoying thing... When we send something in What's app thinking our friend is online but can only see two grey ticks...
Two gay guys, two lesbians, and two pedophiles have a race. What is the order of finish?
1. Lesbians. Doing 69 the whole way. 2. Pedophiles. Coming in a little behind. 3. Gay guys. Still packing their shit.
Luigi was dying had two sons Bruno was handsome but Alberto was ugly He said Maria tell me is the is Alberto my son Yes Luigi his wife said and he died happily Wife said thank God he didn’t ask about the other one !!
What's white and bloody?
Two doves in a trash compactor. Talk about a failed marriage.
