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Two

Two jokes

A husband walks into the bedroom door holding two aspirin and a glass of water.

His wife asked what that was for.

"It is for your headache."

"I don't have a headache."

He smiles. "Gotcha!!!!"

I have two things I wanna say:

1. When people swear, stop taking it so fucking literally. If someone calls you a bitch, they're not calling you a female dog. If they call you a cunt, they're not calling you a woman's private part, they are calling you either an idiot, scaredy cat/baby, or something along those lines, ffs.

2. wtf

Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."

I asked my doctor if it was normal for one of my nuts to be bigger than the other two.

Little Johnny got a train set for Christmas. He takes it around the circle, parks it at the station, and says, "Alright, you motherfuckers get off here, and you motherfuckers get off here." His mom comes rushing in and says, "Little Johnny, we don’t use that kind of language, go to your room and think about what you did!"

After a few hours, she lets him out of his room. He goes back to play with his train set. He takes it around the circle, parks it at the station, and says, "Okay, you guys get off here, and you guys get off here. And if you have any complaints about the two hour delay, take it up with the bitch in the kitchen."

  • 1

    • The definition of a stalker is two people going on a romantic walk, but only one person knows about it.

    Americans don't like playing chess with Muslims; last time they did play, they ended up losing two towers.

    If you wanna get fat, what's the quickest way to do it?

    Eat two jars of mayo each day, and in about a month, your scale will have your phone number!

    I had to share a table recently with a disabled man. When I asked him for the salt and pepper, he had to make two trips.

    Snake one: Are we venomous?

    Snake two: Yep!... Why do you ask?

    Snake one: Cuz I just bit my tongue!!! (Drama scene)

    What are two things you could call a fart?

    "Gas from the ass" or "Odor from the motor!"

    The popular girl told me, "I bet your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory!"

    Two weeks later, she shows up pregnant.

    ...

    I guess her rubber broke too.

    Three nuns had to go before Mother Superior. The first one goes up to her and she says, "Have you sinned?" "Yes, I have, Mother. I have stolen a bicycle." Okay, said Mother Superior. "Say 100 Hail Marys and dip your hand in the holy water." Up comes nun number two and she says she has sinned. "She slept with a married man." So Mother Superior says, "Okay, say 500 Hail Marys and dip your hand in the holy water and go on your way." The third nun comes up and she says, "I peed in the holy water!" 🤣😂🤣😂😁😁🌈

    I remember asking my mum: "What's a couple?"

    She replied, "Two or three."

    Which probably explains her collapsed marriage.

    I was watching the London Marathon one year, and I saw two runners in costumes. One of them was dressed a chicken and the other dressed as an egg. I thought: "This'll be interesting."

    Hi guys, I'm back, and YES, two jokes/blogs in one day. I KNOW. I just have nothing to do!!! So today I'm going to tell you how to get what you want from your parents!!! And there will be a joke at the end too. Enjoy!

    So the prank that I have for you guys today is, make sure you have glue, dye, and a toothbrush that is not yours >:) So you are going to put the dye in the glue and then put the glue on the toothbrush and give it to your sibling and say, "Here. I got your toothbrush ready for you." Then, make sure they take it. Once they take it, run so that they cannot hit you once they taste it.

    Thanks for reading this prank today guys!!! I hope it works out for you, and I can't wait to hear what happens with you guys in the comments below, so make sure to comment and tell me what happened when you pulled this prank!! Sorry, Prankster, if this is offensive to you since you do pranks too. I will not do them anymore if you don't want me to :) Thanks for reading guys, and here is that joke I told you about :)

    Yo mama is so fat, when she got in the car, the wheels popped.

    So I know this was not the best joke, and I can do better, but I will keep trying and see you guys next time! Bye!!! :)