Twist

Twist jokes

Rape

    • What do you say to a ugly girl who claims to have been raped?

    “Are you sure you didn’t rape him?”

  • 8

    • Woman

    • A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

    After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”

    She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

    To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

  • 5
    • Twist memes

    Batman

    • Kid: "I wish I could be like Batman!" Genie: "Wish granted!" When the kid gets home, both of his parents are dead.

  • 25

    • Book

    • Me: Hey, what book are you reading?

    Him: "The Twisted Ones."

    Me: Uh, I guess that book is pretty twisted.

  • 0

    • Father

    • A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back.

    The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

    Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

    A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

    At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

    Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

    After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

    Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.

    As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

    “No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”

  • 3

    • Condom

    • The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

    So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

    Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

    Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

    Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

    Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

    The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

  • 1

    • Rape

    • I told the judge I thought she was unconscious before she woke up crying. The judge asked: "Why didn't you drug her again so she would forget?"

  • 2

    • Wish

    • "This isn't the first time my husband's cheated on me, but you're my sister! You'd better have a better explanation than this magic lamp."

    "You know how you have to be specific making wishes? Well, I was really horny and asked the genie to have the world's biggest penis....ended up with a concert pianist that's seven foot tall. Nice guy. Next time I tried, I asked for the world's biggest cock, that was fun but the poor rooster died. So I asked for the world's biggest dick and that's how I ended up on top of your husband."

  • 0

    • Hand Job

    • How to give a good hand job?

    Bop it. Pull it. Twist it. Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger. You put your left hand in. You put your left hand out. You put your left hand in and shake it all about.

    None of you ever touch my penis.

  • 1

    • Lemon

    • What do you do when life gives you lemons? Slit your wrist and give a lemon a twist. 🙂💊💉

  • 1

    • Result

    • I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset about it. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.

    My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

    Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.

    A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

    As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

    I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

    The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.

    Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

    I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.

    Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.

    A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

    My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

    What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.

    I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

    When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.

    Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

    My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!

    Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.

    It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

    Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.

    When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.

    Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

    My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and left. Right.

    When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

    A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”

    I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

    The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

    You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

    Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.

    What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

    My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

    My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

    What did the Titanic say as it sank? I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!

    Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

    How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

    I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.

    They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.

    My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

    I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

    The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.

    To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

    I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down.

    You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

    I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

    What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers.

    I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.

    The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

    Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.