What did the calculator say to his friends? “You can count on me!”
So, a husband and a wife have three kids. The husband is on his death bed, and he looks up at his wife and says, "Honey, is our youngest son truly and honestly mine?" She says in response, "I swear on everything that is good and holy, our youngest son is yours." He dies peacefully.
Then she says under her breath, "I'm glad he didn't ask about the first two."
Never trust stairs, they're always up to something.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
Voting is like doing a group project in school.
I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up.
Me: Stops the quiet kid from getting bullied.
Him: Don't come to school tomorrow, trust me.
Me: "/"
What animal can't you trust with your homework?
A: A cheetah!
So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"
This shit is weird (as baby girl pees).
Dad: “Trust me, shitting is weirder.”
Mom: Remember, you can tell me anything.
Abbie: I had sex with dad.
Mom: Go die in a hole!
Don't trust stairs... They are always up to something.
People, when your lover cheats on you, do this!
1. Start a conversation. 2. Say, "What's that smell?" 3. They will smell around. 4. Say, "OMG, it's a b****," and walk away and ignore them.
My wife accused me of cheating. I told her she started to sound like my wife.
Why shouldn't you trust trees? Because they seem shady.
What animal can not be trusted?
A lion 🦁.
So, I was walking down the path of my life with Bigfoot, noticing the two pairs of footprints, mine and his.
One day, I notice his prints are gone. I look up to him and say, "You had promised you would always be there for me. How is this possible?"
He then looks me straight in the eyes and says, "Raw!"
I asked my now ex-boyfriend why he’s scared of my cat. He said it was because of the scratches on my arm.
I told him that my cat doesn’t scratch, but he didn’t believe me. He realised what I meant when he noticed I kept hiding my wrist from everyone else.
(Kinda based on the fact that my ex is indeed scared of cats, and he has been scared of my cat, so yeah 😂)
Why should you never trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
You ever get the feeling when your parents are cheating on you? I do.
I've done a skele-TON of work to think of this joke. Trust me, I've got a FEW more jokes!
