Trust jokes
What did the calculator say to his friends? “You can count on me!”
I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.
I don't really trust the press. Sometimes they wear badges that say "press," but if you press those badges, they just fall over, all surprised.
Why can’t you trust an emo kid?
'Cause they always leave you hanging.
So, a husband and a wife have three kids. The husband is on his death bed, and he looks up at his wife and says, "Honey, is our youngest son truly and honestly mine?" She says in response, "I swear on everything that is good and holy, our youngest son is yours." He dies peacefully.
Then she says under her breath, "I'm glad he didn't ask about the first two."
Voting is like doing a group project in school.
I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up.
Never trust stairs, they're always up to something.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
Why was Stephen Hawking never trusted when taking a quiz?
"No computers allowed on the test!"
This shit is weird (as baby girl pees).
Dad: “Trust me, shitting is weirder.”
Me: Stops the quiet kid from getting bullied.
Him: Don't come to school tomorrow, trust me.
Me: "/"
What animal can't you trust with your homework?
A: A cheetah!
I had to go to the doctor for a prostate exam. When he stuck it in, I started to squirm, so he held onto my shoulder.
I thought it was going well, until he grabbed my other shoulder as well.
Mom: Remember, you can tell me anything.
Abbie: I had sex with dad.
Mom: Go die in a hole!
Don't trust stairs... They are always up to something.
What animal can not be trusted?
A lion 🦁.
Why shouldn't you trust trees? Because they seem shady.
People, when your lover cheats on you, do this!
1. Start a conversation. 2. Say, "What's that smell?" 3. They will smell around. 4. Say, "OMG, it's a b****," and walk away and ignore them.
My wife accused me of cheating. I told her she started to sound like my wife.
So, I was walking down the path of my life with Bigfoot, noticing the two pairs of footprints, mine and his.
One day, I notice his prints are gone. I look up to him and say, "You had promised you would always be there for me. How is this possible?"
He then looks me straight in the eyes and says, "Raw!"