Trust jokes

"I'm sorry, Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."

Why did nobody believe the little girl who got raped?

She said a monster attacked her.

What is the worst thing your sibling can steal from you?

Your virginity.

Recently, I've found out my wife has been cheating on me for the past 3 weeks with a baker downtown in Manhattan, New York, thinking I wouldn't find out. Irony of it all, she received a yeast infection.

At first I was skeptical, but the universe has really grown on me.

One day a guy named Carson is called a jerk, and he says, "I went to a party with my girlfriend, and this random guy walks up to us and says, 'Can I borrow your girlfriend for 30 minutes?' I say yes, and he takes her upstairs. It was not only 30 minutes, but an hour. When she came back down, she was out of breath, so I knew it was a pretty intense conversation." This happens about 3 more times that night.

But as I was saying, only a nice guy would let his girlfriend make friends with other guys. 😊😇

I only trust people that like big butts... they cannot lie.

My last relationship ended because my ex-girlfriend accused me of being a rapist. I'm not upset. To be honest, I didn't like her anyway. She kept telling me I never listen, or something like that.

I have good faith in the glue police. They usually stick to their word.

What is the difference between a nun and a hooker?

One to trust and the other to thrust.

The highest level of trust in the world is when two cannibals are each giving each other blowjobs.

My version of the Roses are Red Poem in MW3:

I thought Soap could trust you. And so did I too. So WHY IN BLOODY HELL DOES MAKAROV KNOW YOU?!

My girlfriend asked me whether I was having sex behind her back, and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something :D

So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"

Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.

It takes a lot of trust for two cannibals to gluck gluck each other. You never know when it's goodbye willy.

What's the difference between friends and family?

One is actually real.

What did the calculator say to his friends? “You can count on me!”

I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.