Friend: I'm gonna go ask out my crush.
Me: *fake sneezes* Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.
Worst Jokes Ever
Why are there a lot of whites in hockey?
It’s the only other job that involves beating something black other than being a cop.
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.
Yo mama so ugly, she went to the bathroom and scared the sh*t out of the toilet.
What did the woman on the beach say to Michael Jackson? Hey, get out of my sun!
What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?
A microtransaction.
What's the difference between a Mexican and a frog?
One jumps in ponds, the other leaps over the border. :)
What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor?
Dark humor is 10 babies in a trash can. Morbid humor is 1 baby in 10 trash cans.
What are the three worst words to hear while you are having sex?
Honey, I'm home!
So, Johnny was working at a deli. A woman walks up and asks, "Do you have any salad?" Johnny says, "No." She asks, "What about carrots?" Again, Johnny says, "No." She says, "What about bananas?" Johnny says, "Tell ya what, spell out 'lad' in salad." She spells, "L A D." Johnny replies, "Spell 'rot' in carrot." She spells, "R O T." Johnny says, "Now spell 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." She says, "There is no 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." Johnny exclaims, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
Nazis have marched in Melbourne. Are you sure Eric Clapton and Carrie Underwood are not touring in Australia?
I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.
Why did the transgender girl want to be a boy?
Because momma never raised no pussy.
Imagine working at the World Trade Center, only for Osama bin Laden to call and ask if he could crash at your place.
What's the difference between Madeline McCann and Batman? Batman returns.
Dad: Son, who do you want to marry when you grow up?
Son: A ugly girl.
Dad: Why not a pretty girl?
Son: A pretty one might run away.
Dad: So an ugly one might too.
Son: Yeah, but who cares?
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off?
Well, he’s all right now!
Do you want to play Titanic?
When I say iceberg, you go down on me.
