Worst Jokes Ever
My mom is a chemistry teacher.
Mom: You can’t be attracted to something without it being attracted to you back.
Me: Tell that to my FUCKING CRUSH, BITCH!
A random guy yelled at me, "Hey, slut!"
I walked towards him.
"I prefer slit," I said.
"Why?" He asked.
"You see these wrists?" I spat at him.
This guy walks into a library one day and asks the librarian for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says, "F*** no, you won’t return it!"
What's Africa's greatest sporting achievement? The 2018 World Cup...
Why did the plum put sugar under its pillow?
So it could have sweet dreams.
Being incest isn't that bad. I was fingering my sister, and I found my dad's old wedding ring. Winner winner!
What's the difference between sand and food? Africans have plenty of sand.
Did you know that there is a new drug on the market for lesbians who are suffering from depression? It's called Trycoxagain.
How do Chinese people name their children?
They throw pots and pans down the stairs and listen for the sounds, "Ching Chong Chang."
Did you hear about the dyslexic wanna-be bank robber? He walked in and yelled, "HANDS UP, THIS IS A MOTHER STICKING F##K UP!" The lucky idiot got away because nobody could stop laughing!
Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 == Dec 25.
Do you know where priests go at night?
To all night sale at Boys R Us.
Touch Down.
There was a recent football match between Ethiopia and Egypt.
Egypt 8, Ethiopia 0.
What do you get when you cross a cold wind with a feather?
A brrrrrrrr-d!
One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).
My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes and told me they both ended up dying.
Well, SO-RRY, but I didn't know they were conjoined twins.
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it's not 8 because my basement is still dark.
I once asked a sketchy man at a bar for some relationship advice. He simply replied, "They're all dead hookers once they're in the trunk."
How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?
"Please get out of the pool."
*The doctor asking why I've broken 19 bones in the past week*
*My abusive mum- Go on, tell him!*
Well what am I gonna do now...