Achievement

Achievement Jokes

Michael Jackson

Despite Michael Jackson’s legal problems while he was alive, McDonald’s is still going to honor his life achievements in the music industry by naming a sandwich after him.

They’re going to call it the McMichael! It’s going to be a fifty year old piece of meat pressed between two eight year old buns.

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  • Fruit

    Three men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live only if they could achieve one thing: They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each.

    The first person returned with apples. The leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1... 2... he screamed.

    The next person came back with grapes. 1, 2, 3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing; he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well. "Well, I saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples!"

    Depression

    How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?

    5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.

    Helen Keller

    How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

    They stuck her in a round room and told her to find the penny in the corner.

    Mistake

    Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.

    Assassination

    What makes a 360 no-scope and JFK's assassination similar?

    Both were some of the greatest achievements in history to achieve.

    Funeral

    I got an Xbox achievement the other day. It said "Trash Master," and everyone looked at me at the funeral.

    Hitler

    What's the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?

    One actually finished a race.

    Degree

    What's worse than having an honorary degree from Harvard? Being homeless and having an honorary degree from Harvard.

    Orphan

    Why am I so successful?

    When I was told to go big or go home, I only had one option.

    Record

    What record did Obama prove during his presidency?

    No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he'll still be in government housing.