Achievement jokes

I'm not suicidal, I'm just speedrunning life.

You call it a tragedy. I call it a 25 killstreak.

Despite Michael Jackson’s legal problems while he was alive, McDonald’s is still going to honor his life achievements in the music industry by naming a sandwich after him.

They’re going to call it the McMichael! It’s going to be a fifty year old piece of meat pressed between two eight year old buns.

After 40 years, Kobe finally learned to pass.

I'm not a failure. Suuuurrrre.

Three men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live only if they could achieve one thing: They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each.

The first person returned with apples. The leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1... 2... he screamed.

The next person came back with grapes. 1, 2, 3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing; he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well. "Well, I saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples!"

How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?

5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They stuck her in a round room and told her to find the penny in the corner.

Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into 2 skyscrapers.

Why did the scarecrow get promoted?

He was out-standing.

Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.

What makes a 360 no-scope and JFK's assassination similar?

Both were some of the greatest achievements in history to achieve.

What is better than winning the gold medal at the Special Olympics? Having arms and legs.

I got an Xbox achievement the other day. It said "Trash Master," and everyone looked at me at the funeral.

What's the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?

One actually finished a race.

What's worse than having an honorary degree from Harvard? Being homeless and having an honorary degree from Harvard.

Why am I so successful?

When I was told to go big or go home, I only had one option.

2,996 kill streak, boom!

I am Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon.

Neil before me.

What record did Obama prove during his presidency?

No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he'll still be in government housing.