Worst Jokes Ever
I saw a homeless dude and gave him $1.
I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
This pastor decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf.
He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried it an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work, not aware that her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "That's my dad outside." Man: "How much did you say the baseball was again?" Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad." Man: "How much did you say the glove was again?" Boy: "$750." Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Do not start that shit again!"
What's the difference between a school in Pakistan and an Al Qaeda base?
Not too sure. I just fly the drone.
What’s the difference between a feminist and a suicidal vest?
A suicidal vest actually works when triggered.
Osama bin Laden rated America.
He gave us a 9/11.
What kind of animal makes a good bottle opener?
A male Duck on Viagra.
COVID is like fashion...
We started hearing about it in Italy...
Became popular in LA and NYC...
Florida ignored it...
And it was all made in China in the end.
Girls are like blackjack.
I always want 21 but end up hitting on 14.
My first football game was a lot like my first time having sex.
I was bloody, sore, and but at least my dad came.
I believe Alia is a true god because they say in the beginning there was an explosion.
My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What do you white people use as pronouns?
Crack/her.
What do you call a fat chick with a rape whistle?
Optimistic.
I have done a ton of work. A skele-ton.
Why can't orphans play on a computer?
'Cause they have no motherboard.
We better stop telling orphan jokes because their parents will get mad. Oh... wait... never mind.
What is the definition of fellatio?
Auto masturbation.
Why is the UK bad at chess? Because they already lost their queen.
I went on a dating site looking for arsonists.
I found a lot of matches.