Worst Jokes Ever
When you realize you forgot to mop your room, you hear footsteps.
The good thing about being gay in school is that you can be the best student and still get all the D's.
What time is it when it turns 13 o'clock?
Time to get a new watch.
Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Why does a milking stool have 3 legs?
Because the cow has the udder one.
Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.
Why is America so bad at chess?
They lost both of their towers.
What do Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
Both fly around Uranus and wipe out Klingons!
Why don’t cows have any money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
What is a paedophile's favorite thing about Halloween?
Free delivery XD
If olive oil is made of olives, then baby oil is made of...
Every time someone calls me fat, I get so depressed I cut myself... a piece of cake.
What does one orphan say to another orphan on Opposite Day? "Do you want to go home?"
I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy, then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
What do old people and meth heads have in common? They usually trip over their balls.
What did they find in Jeffery Dahmer's apartment?
Jack in a box.
How do you say "Brazier" in German?
Stop 'em from floppin' (German accent)
What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing. They fast!
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."