Worst Jokes Ever
Imagine Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady but could not stand up.
What do you call a snail without a shell?
Dead.
What do you call a masturbating cow?
Beef stroganoff.
What did the priest say to the skunk?
Let us spray.
What do priests and doctors have in common?
They both do physicals on kids.
There was a magician on board the Titanic and said that he could make anything disappear.
Once the ship had gone down one of the passengers said to him, "Go on, so what did you do with the ship then?"
Your birth certificate is a complaint to the condom factory.
What do you call a heterosexual man performing fellatio on another heterosexual man?
Bisexual.
I don't say funny stuff because I'm afraid they will take the German passport from me.
There is a man in the hospital. The power went out, and the man was stabbed to death. There are three witnesses: the nurse who was with another patient, the doctor who was reading some paperwork, and The Who who was at the vending machine. Who killed the man?
The mom did, because you can’t use a vending machine when the power's out!
What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?
Hot wheels.
What was the name of Russia's first female traffic cop?
Ivana Pulyova.
Patient: Oh, doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.
Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.
When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:
98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!
1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.
Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!
What did one needle say to the other?
"You be looking sharp!"
Aren't paraplegics just plegics that can fly?
Can you drive a pizza? Of course, as long as you change the olive oil.
How many line cooks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to do it, and two to say that they did it better at the previous restaurant they were at.
What was the one test that Steven Hawking couldn't pass?
reCAPTCHA
My best friend ran away with my wife. I really miss him.