Worst Jokes Ever
Knock knock. Who's there? Crippling depression. Crippling depression who? Me.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seat belt.
How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment.
My friend's mother thought a kid who had autism and Down syndrome called him a "double down."
What do you call a gun that doesn't kill anyone?
- A VEGUN.
Wanna hear something bad? A pile of dead babies.
Wanna hear something worse? The one at the bottom is still alive.
Wanna hear something worse than that? He has to eat his way out.
Wanna hear something that's the worst? He comes back for seconds.
I broke up with my deaf girlfriend because she never listened to me.
Mary Poppins went to a restaurant and ordered cheese, eggs, and cauliflower. When she left, she had written something in the complaint box: "Super cauliflower, eggs, but cheese was quite atrocious." (Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious)
Dr. Brody: Sir, your son has a disease called boofa.
Dad: What's boofa?
Dr. Brody: Both of these nuts in your mouth.
I named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I say, “Get down, Syndrome!”
A mirror and a terrorist are the same... Only... a mirror doesn't need a gun to kill.
What do you call a cow with no legs? (Ground Beef!) No, a cow! The absence of legs does not change the fact that the species is still a cow!
What do you call a DOG with no legs? (A dog?) It doesn't matter what you call it, as it's never going to come.
A feminist walks into a bar. Her friend says, "Oh my god, your shoulders are broad!" Another woman says, "Are you sure it's a woman?"
Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."
I named my daughter Kennedy so when I talked about how her brain was shot out of her head, people just thought I paid really close attention in history.
If laughter is the best medicine, shouldn't we go up to disabled people and laugh at them?
How do fish get to school?
By the octobus.
Why can't dinosaurs clap?
Because they're dead.
What is a pedophile's favorite job?
The mall santa.
Why didn't the Japanese guy get a high five?
Logan Paul left him hanging.
How do you make a dead baby float?
1 cup rootbeer 2 scoops dead baby.