Worst Jokes Ever

My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,

"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"

Do you like Wendy's? When deez nutz are in your mouth.

Sometimes I feel ugly, but then I think of my sister and I feel better.

You can't be short and depressed because you are compressed.

What do you call pasta that’s made by a skeleton? A CREEPYpasta! (It’s my first one, lol)

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and my uncle? Nothing, they both steal children.

If a deaf person is at court, then is it still called a hearing?

Eric's mom asked her son why his bag was heavy and if it was because of books. Eric replied, "No, magazines."

There is a feminist group in my town.

It is called Gal-Qaeda.

(I actually got this from The Simpsons, so credit to the show.)

I was thinking of a good accident joke, and I asked my sister. She said, "you."

These days, there are only two political parties in India: BJP and anti-BJP.

I hate double standards. If you burn a body at a crematorium, you're doing a good job. If you burn a body at home, you're destroying evidence.

What do you call an owl with armor?

A Knight Owl!

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? I would too if all I heard was "daaaaaaah!"

See, morbid humor is just like water, not everyone gets it.

Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

What's the difference between homework and a hooker? They both start with an "H", but we all know which one we would like to do.

This Fairy Tail shirt is only $9.99! Guess you can say that's a fair retail.

I sometimes want rampage, but what good would that do?

I look for a way out, but there's not even a light shining through.

The times where all is dark, are the times that I need a mark.

Though people say that nobody will care, the truth is: there's always one who's fair.

That person may not be the one you expect, but I am here with a passion to redirect.

Once there was a time where I tried to end it all, because I only looked on the dark side.

Truth was I wanted to be heard, to be respected, to let someone know.

But that was in the past and this isn't about my dark ride, it's time for others to know that only a few words, can extinguish a glow.

What time is it when you can drive a house? Time to get a wheelchair.