Worst Jokes Ever

Worst Jokes Ever

Birth Certificate

    • A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.

    "Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.

    "Denise."

    "That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"

    "Tom Junior."

  • 1

    • Parrot

    • A man decides one day that it is time to buy a pet. He goes to the pet store, looks around and sees a beautiful parrot, sitting quietly on a stick in his cage. Yet the beast has no feet or paws. "What is the matter with you?" the man thinks aloud.

    "Well, that's how I was born, I'm actually a faulty parrot," says the bird.

    "Haha," the man laughs, "it seems like that parrot understands what I'm saying and even answers!"

    "I understand everything you say, I am extremely intelligent and very well educated," says the bird.

    "Well, if you're so smart then tell me how you can stay on your stick without legs."

    "Well," says the parrot, "it's a bit embarrassing, but okay, I wrap my little parrot penis around the stick, like a hook, but I hide that with my thick feathers."

    "Wow, you really understand everything I say, don't you?"

    "Yes, yes," replies the bird, "and I speak Spanish and English fluently, I can speak on a level about almost everything, politics, religion, sport, and philosophy, and I specialize in bird science, you should buy me, I am also a very good friend for you."

    The man looks at the price tag, 200 euros is on it. "Sorry, I cannot afford that."

    "Psst," whispers the parrot as he beckons the man with his wing closer. "Nobody wants me because I do not have legs, just bid 25 euros and you can take me with you."

    The man offers 25 euros and walks 5 minutes later with the parrot out of the store. A few weeks pass. The parrot is sensational. He is fun and interesting, gives good advice, is sympathetic to everyone, in short; the perfect roommate and friend. One day the man comes home from work and the parrot says "Pssssssssssst" while he beckons his wing again. The man comes close to the cage. "I do not know if I should tell you this," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the postman."

    "What!?" says the man.

    "Well, the postman came to the door and your wife greeted him in a nothing disguised nightgown and kissed him flat on the mouth."

    "And then," the man hisses, "What happened then?"

    "Well, the postman came in, grabbed her nightgown and started caressing her everywhere."

    "My God," says the now furious man, "And what else did they do?"

    "Then he took off her nightgown, went through his knees and started to lick her everywhere, starting at her breasts and getting further and further down."

    "And then, what happened, what else did they do?" the man screams.

    "No idea," says the papgaai, "I got a boner and thundered off my stick..."

  • 5

    • Incest

    • What's better than sex with your 12 year old sister?

    Rolling her over and pretending it's your 10 year old brother.

  • 8

    • Pasta

    • My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

  • 2

    • Pregnancy

    • The doctor says, "Your wife is pregnant." The man says that he used a condom and the doctor says, "Yeah, but I didn't."

  • 3

    • Beer

    • A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.

    A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn’t drive for shit.

  • 0