Worst Jokes Ever
My arms are just a different texture pack compared to my body.
The day after Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Q: Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?
A: It’s always 90 degrees.
That time when you realize that Osama bin Laden and Carrie Underwood share the same birthday...
Roses are red, lemons are sour.
Spread your legs and give me an hour.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
What's black and white and black and white and black and white and red and black and white and white and black and red and red and black and red and white and black and red and red and red and red?
A penguin in a blender.
I hear skeletons like to play the saxaBONE, though I think the tromBONE would be better, but tibia honest, both can be HUMERUS, wouldn't wanna hurt your funny bone, but I think your starting to get BONELY so I'll stop pulling your leg. Now get out before I give you a bad time.
So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"
Yo mama so fat, even Bob the Builder said, "We can't fix that!"
Two pedophiles talking to each other:
"Do you got two fives for one ten?"
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”
How do you pet a psychopath's cat?
You get it out of the microwave.
Immigration jokes just cross the line.
A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.
On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.
The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."
The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."
What is a necrophiliac's favorite band?
Coldplay.
What was Stephen Hawking's favorite childhood song? "The wheels on the chair go round and round....."
What's the leading cause of pedophilia? Sexy children.
What's the difference between sand and a dildo? Sand has never gone up my ass.
What goes 100mph and bounces up and down? A baby tied to the back of a truck.