Worst Jokes Ever
Asked my dad what LGBT stands for.
He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously, I had to reply with "Garnish."
Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Ken came in another box.
How did a blonde commit suicide?
She jumped from the basement window.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
Answer: Depresso.
If a special ed kid is late to class, is it okay to call me a little tardy?
What’s a pedophile’s favorite shoe? White vans.
I heard that Jimmy Savile never wanted to be famous... All he ever wanted was to settle down, and have kids.
You're at your girlfriend's house for a family dinner. Your GF says, "Daddy, please pass me the salt," when you and her father begin to reach for the salt.
Kid: Mom, what's dark humor?
Mom: Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap.
Kid: But, mom, I'm blind!
Mom: Exactly.
Why do vegetarians give anonymous blowjobs at the glory hole at an adult book store? Because they don't want anybody to find out that they like meat.
Three drunk men get in a taxi. The driver knew they were drunk, so he started the car and turned it off. The first man gave him the money. The second man thanked him, but the third man slapped the driver. The driver, surprised that he noticed, asked why, and the third man replied with, "Why did you drive so fast?"
The whole reason he is dead is because he kept hitting "Remind me later" on his Windows Updates.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic.
I should be ashamed of myself for making all these jokes at the expense of the disabled! After all, they can't even stand up for themselves.
On Xbox Live, an orphan can say "they f-ed your mom," so you can say, "at least mine didn't die from it."
A man asks a woman, "Are you a school?"
The woman replies, "No, why?"
The man says, "Oh, I wanted to shoot my kid inside of you."
Why did the tomato blush? -- Because it saw the salad dressing.
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
They say masturbation is better with a dead arm. Apparently, I ruined that funeral.
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.
When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."
The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"No, I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"
"Round the corner picking up shit."