Worst Jokes Ever
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.
The cop said, "But there is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
Little Johnny is walking around and peeks in his parents' room, catching them having sex. So he asks, "What are you guys doing?" and they reply, "Nothing, nothing! We're just, uh, making cake," and they send him away.
So he continues walking around, and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother's room. He walks in and catches his brother and his brother's girlfriend having sex and then asks him, "What are you guys doing?" and his brother yells, "Get out! We're making cake!"
So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says, "So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night, huh?" and she replies, "OMG! How'd you know!?" and Johnny replies, "Because I licked the icing off the couch."
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
He responded with, “The cat is dead.”
She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”
“She’s playing on the roof.”
Teacher: Ok class, I'm going to ask a question about your family.
Alex: Miss, my Dad died in 9/11.
Teacher: OH NO, I'M SO SORRY!
Alex: Don't worry miss. It was only Dad and besides, he did what he wanted before he died.
Teacher: What was that?
Alex: Flew the plane.
Did you fall from heaven? Or did you fall from the cliff up there?
Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
Who can shave 20 times a day and still have a beard? -- A barber.
When I die, can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?
What is 6.9?
A beautiful thing ruined by a period.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
Being sad is my only happiness.
You know, people always say your life is worth it, but with me, it's worth-it-less.
I tried to commit suicide today; never doing that again. I almost killed myself.
I've never worn my gay sweater, it hasn't come out of the closet yet.
I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in a room filled with all of my ex's, so I was completely alone.
Person: Where do I commit suicide?
Dog: Roof.
Person: Good idea.
If you kill an emo, Is it an assist kill?
I nutted on the wall, call that a walnut.
What is the difference between giving money to a church and giving money to the IRS?
If you stop giving money to a church, you won't go to prison.
They say I'll mess up my insides, but I don't have any.