Worst Jokes Ever
My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?
I don't know. He hasn't opened it yet.
What's the difference between your jokes and your penis? Nobody laughs at your jokes.
What makes suicide illegal?
Getting caught.
Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.
Fatty and Skinny were in a bed.
Fatty rolled over, and Skinny was dead.
Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.
The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"
Wanna hear somethin' ironic?
When one cutter tells another cutter to stop, but he himself can't stop cutting.
What do a pedophile and a clock have in common? Neither of them go past 12.
Why can't orphans watch PG movies? Because they are parental guidance.
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”
My neck, my back, my crippling anxiety attacks.
I'm a fast reader, I can go through 20 stories in a few seconds.
Chuck Norris would have died a couple of years ago, but death hasn't built up the courage to tell him.
What are you good at?
Dying. Dammit, I fail at that too.
Why can't two Chinese people have a white baby? Because "two wongs don't make a white."
They told me I could never be an actor.
No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.
What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
The fridge don't fart when you take your meat out.
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.
The cop said, "But there is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
Little Johnny is walking around and peeks in his parents' room, catching them having sex. So he asks, "What are you guys doing?" and they reply, "Nothing, nothing! We're just, uh, making cake," and they send him away.
So he continues walking around, and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother's room. He walks in and catches his brother and his brother's girlfriend having sex and then asks him, "What are you guys doing?" and his brother yells, "Get out! We're making cake!"
So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says, "So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night, huh?" and she replies, "OMG! How'd you know!?" and Johnny replies, "Because I licked the icing off the couch."