Worst Jokes Ever
My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.
I threw a Asian down some stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.
Why does Mexico never hold the Olympics? Because everyone that can run, jump, and swim is already out of the country.
If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? -- America.
pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.
passengers: *start freaking out*
pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.
passengers: *sigh with relief*
pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.
My friend gave me sugar for my birthday. She thought it was cheap; I thought it was pretty sweet.
It's not pedophilia, it's early access.
What's the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody's looking, you slip in the disabled one.
Your mama's so fat, scientists found a new planet called Heranus.
I'm not lazy, I'm just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don't try to stop me. I've got a skele-ton of these!
Why are orphans so good at tennis?
Because that’s the only love they get.
Russian, American, and Polish stood by the lake shore.
Russian ran ahead to dive and yelled "vodka" and the lake changed into vodka.
Polish ran ahead to dive and yelled "beer" and the lake changed into beer.
American ran to dive, slipped, and said, "oh shit."
Why did Helen Keller burn her hands?
Because she was trying to read the waffle iron.
A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
What does BLM stand for?
Bisexual Lives Matter.
If Uranus is so gross, why do they take HD photos of it?
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The "p" is silent.
How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
You wave at him.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? -- One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.
He was high on my list of priorities.