Worst Jokes Ever
What type of tape do kidnappers use?
Abduct-Tape.
Is buttcheeks one word?
Or should I spread them?
Roses are red, violets are blue, You think violets are blue, what the hell is wrong with you?
The IRS came to this man's house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money that's been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man thought, "Maybe I need to get a lawyer." So he and his lawyer get to the IRS's office and sit down, and the agent said, "There has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account, and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it." The man says, "Yes, I do. I'm a gambler." The agent says, "You gamble with that much money?" The man says, "Yes, I'll give you an example. Alright, I bet you $5,000 that I can bite my left eye." Agent says, "Alright, deal." The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agent says, "That's not fair." The man says, "I'll let you get your money back, or even more. I bet you $7,500 I can bite my right eye." The agent, thinking, "I didn't see him come in with a guide dog or a stick," so the agent says, "Deal." The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says, "That's not fair." The man replies, "Alright, I have another one. You're down $12,500. I'll bet you $15,000, if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room, I can stand by your desk and piss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere." The agent says, "That's impossible, you've got a deal." The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk, and the agent says, "I got you!" He's laughing and happy that he finally beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face, and the agent asked, "What's wrong with you?" and the lawyer replies, "The man bet me $100,000 he could piss on your desk, and you'd just love it."
How did Stephen Hawking please his woman? He uses a hard drive.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? -- A stick.
Where did the cat go when it lost its tail? -- To the retail store!
Patient: "I'm starting to forget things."
Doctor: "Since when have you had this condition?"
Patient: "What condition?"
How do you circumcise someone from Alabama?
Kick his sister's jaw.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and a pedophile?
One is Catholic.
Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables? -- In an American nursing home.
Girls are like blackjack; you shoot for 21, but I keep hitting 14.
Yo mama so fat she sat on an iPhone and turned it into an iPad.
What did the guy exclaim after inventing the shovel?
It is ground breaking!
What's the best thing about 28 year olds?
- There's 20 of them.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret.
What makes a joke a dad joke?
I don't know. I don't even have one as an example.
It's funny how Stephen Hawking sounds like Stephen walking or Stephen talking, but he can't do any of those things.
Abortion, it really brings out the kid in you.