Worst Jokes Ever
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
Why did the tomato blush? -- Because it saw the salad dressing.
If trees could kill you, they wood.
You're so poor, people break into your house and leave things.
The teacher asked her class to use "definitely" in a sentence. Little Johnny raised his hand to answer, yet the teacher passed him and went on to Kevin. "The sky is definitely blue." "Very good Kevin, but the sky can also be blue or black," the teacher replied.
Little Johnny raised his hand again as high as he could, yet the teacher passed right over him and picked Annie from the back of the room. "The grass is definitely green." "Very good Annie, but it can also be brown." Little Johnny was waving his hand like crazy seeking her attention. Finally, she called on him. "Mine's more of a question, but do farts have lumps in them?" "Why no, Johnny, why would you ask such a question?" She questioned. "Well, if they don't have lumps in them, then I definitely just shit myself."
What's the difference between eggs and you? Eggs get laid, you don't.
What can you say to make a rape victim feel better?
"It will be over soon."
What did the pedophile say when he got out of prison?
I feel like a kid again.
What do you call a cute door?
Adoorable.
What is a glory hole at the adult book store used for?
Campaign contributions to the Republican Party.
Why did the skeleton not rob the bank?
He did not have the guts!
Why didn't the toilet paper make it across the road?
It got stuck in a crack.
Why does Helen Keller hate the national anthem? Oh, say, can you see?
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? -- "Bison."
Is buttcheeks one word?
Or should I spread them?
The IRS came to this man's house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money that's been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man thought, "Maybe I need to get a lawyer." So he and his lawyer get to the IRS's office and sit down, and the agent said, "There has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account, and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it." The man says, "Yes, I do. I'm a gambler." The agent says, "You gamble with that much money?" The man says, "Yes, I'll give you an example. Alright, I bet you $5,000 that I can bite my left eye." Agent says, "Alright, deal." The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agent says, "That's not fair." The man says, "I'll let you get your money back, or even more. I bet you $7,500 I can bite my right eye." The agent, thinking, "I didn't see him come in with a guide dog or a stick," so the agent says, "Deal." The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says, "That's not fair." The man replies, "Alright, I have another one. You're down $12,500. I'll bet you $15,000, if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room, I can stand by your desk and piss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere." The agent says, "That's impossible, you've got a deal." The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk, and the agent says, "I got you!" He's laughing and happy that he finally beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face, and the agent asked, "What's wrong with you?" and the lawyer replies, "The man bet me $100,000 he could piss on your desk, and you'd just love it."
How do you circumcise someone from Alabama?
Kick his sister's jaw.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and a pedophile?
One is Catholic.
Girls are like blackjack; you shoot for 21, but I keep hitting 14.