Worst Jokes Ever

I'm a fast reader, I can go through 20 stories in a few seconds.

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture taken."

What are you good at?

Dying. Dammit, I fail at that too.

Why can't two Chinese people have a white baby? Because "two wongs don't make a white."

They told me I could never be an actor.

No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.

A cop stopped a guy for speeding.

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.

The cop said, "But there is no traffic."

And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

Little Johnny is walking around and peeks in his parents' room, catching them having sex. So he asks, "What are you guys doing?" and they reply, "Nothing, nothing! We're just, uh, making cake," and they send him away.

So he continues walking around, and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother's room. He walks in and catches his brother and his brother's girlfriend having sex and then asks him, "What are you guys doing?" and his brother yells, "Get out! We're making cake!"

So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says, "So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night, huh?" and she replies, "OMG! How'd you know!?" and Johnny replies, "Because I licked the icing off the couch."

Teacher: Ok class, I'm going to ask a question about your family.

Alex: Miss, my Dad died in 9/11.

Teacher: OH NO, I'M SO SORRY!

Alex: Don't worry miss. It was only Dad and besides, he did what he wanted before he died.

Teacher: What was that?

Alex: Flew the plane.

Did you fall from heaven? Or did you fall from the cliff up there?

What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?

The fridge don't fart when you take your meat out.

Who can shave 20 times a day and still have a beard? -- A barber.

Chuck Norris would have died a couple of years ago, but death hasn't built up the courage to tell him.

When I die, can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?

What is 6.9?

A beautiful thing ruined by a period.

What do you call a singing laptop?

A Dell.

Being sad is my only happiness.

My wrists have a different texture pack than the rest of me.

You know, people always say your life is worth it, but with me, it's worth-it-less.

I tried to commit suicide today; never doing that again. I almost killed myself.

What is the difference between giving money to a church and giving money to the IRS?

If you stop giving money to a church, you won't go to prison.