What’s the difference between an emo and grass? The grass doesn’t cut itself :D
So, I was on the phone with a scam caller. He said he knew where I lived and would kill my children and wife. Jokes on him, I already did.
I was gonna do a school shooter joke, but it was aimed at younger audiences.
My sister thinks she's so smart, she said onions are the only food that makes you cry.
So I threw a coconut at her.
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking.
Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson? Cause it's a family company.
When you're going 80 mph and hit a speed bump,
Then the speed bump starts screaming.
I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and everything was half off. I didn't know back to school sales had started already.
What does PEMDAS stand for?
Please End My Depression And Suffering.
I'd tell you a joke about unemployed people, but none of them work.
Why is the Tower of Pisa leaning?
Because unlike the Twin Towers it can dodge.
Amber Heard's Morning Routine
Wake Up. Eat Breakfast. Take a Shit. Get Out of Bed.
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy.
But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.
A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."
If a man says you’re ugly, he likes you.
If a woman says you’re ugly, she’s just jealous.
If a child says you’re ugly, well, you’re ugly.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they all beat the room for being black.
A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.
So sad when the emo kid tried to give a high five to a tree.
Too bad he left him hanging.
When the cannibal was late for dinner, he got the cold shoulder.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom... Until they are flashing behind you!
