Girl: Dad, where are you?
Dad: I went to go get milk.
Girl: But we have milk.
Dad: I know, I just don't love you.
Worst Jokes Ever
Bob: What is the percent of people who are depressed?
Me: If you're only counting me, 100%.
How it be when the new guy takes too long...
Hay Danny, it's me Johnny.
Johnny: Boss says to kill the guy in red. Point the gun at his head.
Danny: Ok, target locked. 3... 2... 1... bang.
Johnny: Danny, hope you did not get the man in red.
Danny: OH MY BRO FOR REALL.
If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?
An American.
You say to your slow friend: "Damn, you're slower than Stephen Hawking!" And that takes some talent.
What do a priest and Christmas tree lights have in common?
They can both flash.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
Because they don't know where home is. :)
Nobody: People on the Titanic: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*
Will Smith's slap was like 9/11. It came in unexpectedly and will go down in history.
Why do 911 jokes always fail?
They always crash and burn!
Why did the emo kid hate the tree?
It left him hanging.
When someone says: "You're a mistake."
Say: "The only mistake I see is right in front of me."
Why can't an orphan have an iPad?
They can't find the home button.
If you are ever mad, punch an orphan.
What are they going to do? Tell their parents?
Your momma is so fat, when she chose a yellow shirt when she was on a run, the kids ran after her because they thought they missed the bus.
I met an amazing girl online. Smart, sexy... uninhibited.
Of course it turned out to be a 12 year old paraplegic boy... I have to admit... The sex was disappointing.
Do you know Stephen is dead? He doesn't have a stone. Do you know how to find him? A metal detector.
A kindergarten teacher was telling a story...
A kindergarten teacher was telling a story about a farmer walking around the farm talking to the animals. She was trying to get the kids to interact, speak up, and to use their imaginations.
"Mister Farmer stopped at the cow, and the cow said 'Morning, Mister Farmer!'. Susie, what do you thing the farmer said next?"
Susie says "He said 'Good morning Mrs. Cow!'"
"Mister Farmer stopped at the pig next, and the pig said 'Good morning, Mister Farmer!'. Johnny, what do you thing the farmer said next?"
Johnny says "He said 'Good morning Mr. Pig!'"
"Mister Farmer stopped at the chicken, and the Chicken said 'Morning, Mister Farmer!'. Billy, what do you thing the farmer said next?"
Billy says "The farmer said 'Holy shit, that chicken is fucking talking!'"
What's the difference between an orphan and a corpse?
One of them has someone to mourn them.
Why can't orphans have sex?
Because they have nobody to call "daddy."