Told jokes

I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the COVID-19 patients to stay positive.

My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking, so I brought home some tampons.

Three blonde sisters die and are told by an angel that in order for them to go to heaven they have to pass all 100 steps. But each step has a joke, each joke gets funnier and funnier. And in order to pass them all, you can't laugh at any joke or else you go to hell. The blonde girls accept the offer.

So the angel begins telling them the jokes. One of the girls laughs at the 3rd step. The second blonde laughs halfway there. Finally, the last blonde was at the 100th step. The angel said, "This is the last step. If you laugh you will go straight to hell with your sisters and if you don't you can pass." The blonde agrees and the angel starts to tell the joke, "What do you ca..." Out of nowhere the blonde starts bursting out laughing. "Why are you laughing? I haven't even finished the joke yet!" The blonde replies, "I just got the first joke!"

Slapped cheese on my white friend, told him I like cheese on my crackers.

My cock was in the book of world records...

The librarian told me to take it out.

So I was at home, and I went to take a shower, and I accidentally walked in on my brother having sex with some girl. So I left. A couple minutes later, I needed my headphones to listen to music, so I asked my mom where she was. She told me she was in the shower. Our house only has one bathroom. Sweet home Alabama.

I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad. He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

How did Helen Keller's mom punish her? She put her in a circular room and told her to find the corner.

My doctor told me that I had to burn calories, so I took a fat kid and lit them on fire

I told my mum the refrigerator was running, so she got dressed and ran after it...

My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”

A girl noticed hair growing between her legs and asked her mom about it. Her mom said it was her monkey and it grows hair. So, she told her sister, and her sister said that ain't nothing, mine's already eating bananas.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

Bully: "Nobody loves you."

Me: "Aww, it must have hurt when your mom told you that."

As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.

My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies.