Told jokes

My biology teacher told us "get out nice and sharp colored pencils." Does she mean as sharp as in the blades I use to cut myself?

Why did the blonde have sex with a Mexican?

Her teacher told her that she had to do an essay.

Yo mama so ugly, when she went to an ugly contest, they told her, "No pros allowed."

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.

I told her to keep her chins up.

My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.

Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.

I made sure it didn't outsmart me.

They told me Avengers: Endgame was going to be 3 hours long, but honestly? I felt like it was over in a SNAP!

I told my friend to look at the clock, then I said, "Is this a bad time?"

Why did the Texas cow own its own dachshund?

The cowboy told it to "get along little doggie."

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

Biggest lie ever told: it was the cat.

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

Did you hear what happened to Lorainna Bobbit? She was in an accident on the Garden State Parkway. She told the State Police Officer, "That some dick cut her off."

Somebody told me that black slang is just white slang in reverse. For example:

White person: Dad, you're home!

Black person: Dad?

White person: You can keep the change.

Black person: Empty the register.

Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.

I told my therapist I feel suicidal. He charged me in advance.

I told AI to talk dirty to me. It started describing my browser history.

I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."

As a son, I am so worried about the phone call message that my mom got from a member of The CDC. It was on speaker, so me and mom both hear. The message told my mom that she needs to personally isolate because two of the new symptoms is having big titties and a great personality.

My local hacker contacted me and told me that he hacked my computer.

I responded, “Show me proof.” He provided the username and password for my email account, bank account, video game accounts, and social media accounts. To be honest, that is the fastest “Forgot Password” procedure I’ve ever done.