Told jokes

At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”

I met a baseball player, so I told him to make a home run, and he just looked at me with sadness. I don't know why.

By the way, he was an orphan.

I once told an orphan to go big or go home. He replied, "I can't get home; it got bombed."

Our teacher told us to write a story about the life of an object that's not alive, so I wrote a story about an emo kid.

JFK tried meditating. He told everyone he is very open-minded.

"Your mum has very small balls. Congrats! I told her, your balls are bigger than your husband's."

My mom told me to go to bed, but then I grabbed a drink and went in their room to say goodnight, and they looked like Adam and Eve on steroids!

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.

So she gave me a hug.

I saw a girl crying. I told her, "Where are your parents?" She cried more after that. I got kicked out of the orphanage.

I told my friend to look at the clock, then I said, "Is this a bad time?"

My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.

Biggest lie ever told: it was the cat.

Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?

Dad: Don’t be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place.

My mom told me to be positive...

I was heading to an HIV test.

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."

*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"

Hey, you know what I told the kid in a wheelchair?

I told him to be a stand-up comedian!

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

Teacher told me to turn in my essay, but I ain't no snitch, fool.

Some kid in a wheelchair called me fat.

I told her, "Do a wheelie!"