Told jokes

"Your mum has very small balls. Congrats! I told her, your balls are bigger than your husband's."

My mom told me to be positive...

I was heading to an HIV test.

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?

Dad: Don’t be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place.

My friend has glasses, and we were talking about owls, and I told my friend to give an owl glasses. I told my friend that it'd be a spectacled owl!

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!

Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!

So I went to my friend's house and he told me to make myself at home, so I kicked him out. I don't like visitors.

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

Biggest lie ever told: it was the cat.

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."

*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"

I bullied a kid in a wheelchair. I told him to stand up for himself.

My son's into astromancy asked me how do stars die, so I told him, "Usually on overdose, son."

Why was the orphan so successful?

When they told him go big or go home, he only had one option.

Some kid in a wheelchair called me fat.

I told her, "Do a wheelie!"

Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.

I made sure it didn't outsmart me.

Hey, you know what I told the kid in a wheelchair?

I told him to be a stand-up comedian!

JFK tried meditating. He told everyone he is very open-minded.

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.

So she gave me a hug.