Told jokes

My son's into astromancy asked me how do stars die, so I told him, "Usually on overdose, son."

My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.

I made sure it didn't outsmart me.

Why did the Texas cow own its own dachshund?

The cowboy told it to "get along little doggie."

I told AI to talk dirty to me. It started describing my browser history.

Did you hear what happened to Lorainna Bobbit? She was in an accident on the Garden State Parkway. She told the State Police Officer, "That some dick cut her off."

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

Roses are red, violets are blue, You told me I'm ugly, nah, you look like a monkey!

Someone told me I looked gay today. I told him that my clothes just came out of the closet this morning.

My biology teacher told us "get out nice and sharp colored pencils." Does she mean as sharp as in the blades I use to cut myself?

There was a girl called Millie, and she had sexy blond hair, and she wanted to chase me, but I told her she had to catch me first if she loves me.

Why did the blonde have sex with a Mexican?

Her teacher told her that she had to do an essay.

My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.

I told her to keep her chins up.

A blind kid was talking to me because he was getting bullied...

I told him, "Just tell them what you see!"

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”

“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.

At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”