Told jokes

My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.

Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.

I made sure it didn't outsmart me.

Biggest lie ever told: it was the cat.

Why did the Texas cow own its own dachshund?

The cowboy told it to "get along little doggie."

Did you hear what happened to Lorainna Bobbit? She was in an accident on the Garden State Parkway. She told the State Police Officer, "That some dick cut her off."

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.

I told her to keep her chins up.

Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."

*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"

Some kid in a wheelchair called me fat.

I told her, "Do a wheelie!"

Why was the orphan so successful?

When they told him go big or go home, he only had one option.

My son's into astromancy asked me how do stars die, so I told him, "Usually on overdose, son."

I met a baseball player, so I told him to make a home run, and he just looked at me with sadness. I don't know why.

By the way, he was an orphan.

I saw a girl crying. I told her, "Where are your parents?" She cried more after that. I got kicked out of the orphanage.

My mom told me to go to bed, but then I grabbed a drink and went in their room to say goodnight, and they looked like Adam and Eve on steroids!

I once told an orphan to go big or go home. He replied, "I can't get home; it got bombed."

A guy told me, "Nothing rhymes with orange."

So I replied, "No, it doesn't."

I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!

My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.

My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"

There was a girl called Millie, and she had sexy blond hair, and she wanted to chase me, but I told her she had to catch me first if she loves me.

"Your mum has very small balls. Congrats! I told her, your balls are bigger than your husband's."