Told jokes

My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.

Biggest lie ever told: it was the cat.

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.

I told her to keep her chins up.

There was a girl called Millie, and she had sexy blond hair, and she wanted to chase me, but I told her she had to catch me first if she loves me.

Yo mama so ugly, when she went to an ugly contest, they told her, "No pros allowed."

Why did the blonde have sex with a Mexican?

Her teacher told her that she had to do an essay.

Somebody told me that black slang is just white slang in reverse. For example:

White person: Dad, you're home!

Black person: Dad?

White person: You can keep the change.

Black person: Empty the register.

I told AI to talk dirty to me. It started describing my browser history.

Roses are red, violets are blue, You told me I'm ugly, nah, you look like a monkey!

My biology teacher told us "get out nice and sharp colored pencils." Does she mean as sharp as in the blades I use to cut myself?

My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.

Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.

This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.

Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.