Told jokes

Roses are red, violets are blue, You told me I'm ugly, nah, you look like a monkey!

My biology teacher told us "get out nice and sharp colored pencils." Does she mean as sharp as in the blades I use to cut myself?

This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"

Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.

A blind kid was talking to me because he was getting bullied...

I told him, "Just tell them what you see!"

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.

Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.

I went fishing with my grandpa, and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun.

A black man said, "Where are the young ones?"

My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.

I told her to keep her chins up.

Someone told me I looked gay today. I told him that my clothes just came out of the closet this morning.

I got mad at my white friend today. I, as a darker person, had told them to meet me outside at 3 o'clock. They, being VERY special that day, had said, "AM or PM?"

Laughing at their question, I said, "Honey, 3 AM, because I'll lose a fight at 3 PM."

My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.

Did you hear what happened to Lorainna Bobbit? She was in an accident on the Garden State Parkway. She told the State Police Officer, "That some dick cut her off."

There was a girl called Millie, and she had sexy blond hair, and she wanted to chase me, but I told her she had to catch me first if she loves me.

A guy told me, "Nothing rhymes with orange."

So I replied, "No, it doesn't."

I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”

“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”