Told jokes

JFK tried meditating. He told everyone he is very open-minded.

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.

So she gave me a hug.

Hey, you know what I told the kid in a wheelchair?

I told him to be a stand-up comedian!

Teacher told me to turn in my essay, but I ain't no snitch, fool.

I bullied a kid in a wheelchair. I told him to stand up for himself.

My son's into astromancy asked me how do stars die, so I told him, "Usually on overdose, son."

Why was the orphan so successful?

When they told him go big or go home, he only had one option.

Some kid in a wheelchair called me fat.

I told her, "Do a wheelie!"

My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

Roses are red, violets are blue, You told me I'm ugly, nah, you look like a monkey!

This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"

Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”

“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

I went fishing with my grandpa, and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun.

A black man said, "Where are the young ones?"

Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.

Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.