Told jokes

Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?

Dad: Don’t be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place.

My mom told me to be positive...

I was heading to an HIV test.

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!

Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!

My friend has glasses, and we were talking about owls, and I told my friend to give an owl glasses. I told my friend that it'd be a spectacled owl!

My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"

I met a baseball player, so I told him to make a home run, and he just looked at me with sadness. I don't know why.

By the way, he was an orphan.

I once told an orphan to go big or go home. He replied, "I can't get home; it got bombed."

A guy told me, "Nothing rhymes with orange."

So I replied, "No, it doesn't."

I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!

Why was the orphan so successful?

When they told him go big or go home, he only had one option.

Some kid in a wheelchair called me fat.

I told her, "Do a wheelie!"

Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."

*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"

I bullied a kid in a wheelchair. I told him to stand up for himself.

My son's into astromancy asked me how do stars die, so I told him, "Usually on overdose, son."

My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

Why did the Texas cow own its own dachshund?

The cowboy told it to "get along little doggie."

Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.

I made sure it didn't outsmart me.

I told my friend to look at the clock, then I said, "Is this a bad time?"