Told jokes

Our teacher told us to write a story about the life of an object that's not alive, so I wrote a story about an emo kid.

JFK tried meditating. He told everyone he is very open-minded.

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.

So she gave me a hug.

"Your mum has very small balls. Congrats! I told her, your balls are bigger than your husband's."

Hey, you know what I told the kid in a wheelchair?

I told him to be a stand-up comedian!

I saw a girl crying. I told her, "Where are your parents?" She cried more after that. I got kicked out of the orphanage.

I met a baseball player, so I told him to make a home run, and he just looked at me with sadness. I don't know why.

By the way, he was an orphan.

My mom told me to go to bed, but then I grabbed a drink and went in their room to say goodnight, and they looked like Adam and Eve on steroids!

A guy told me, "Nothing rhymes with orange."

So I replied, "No, it doesn't."

I once told an orphan to go big or go home. He replied, "I can't get home; it got bombed."

I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!

Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!

So I went to my friend's house and he told me to make myself at home, so I kicked him out. I don't like visitors.

My mom told me to be positive...

I was heading to an HIV test.

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

My friend has glasses, and we were talking about owls, and I told my friend to give an owl glasses. I told my friend that it'd be a spectacled owl!

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

Teacher told me to turn in my essay, but I ain't no snitch, fool.

I bullied a kid in a wheelchair. I told him to stand up for himself.