Some kid in a wheelchair called me fat.
I told her, "Do a wheelie!"
Told Jokes
My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.
Roses are red, violets are blue, You told me I'm ugly, nah, you look like a monkey!
This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"
Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.
Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."
At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”
My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."
My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.
My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”
“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
I went fishing with my grandpa, and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun.
A black man said, "Where are the young ones?"
Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.
Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.
My biology teacher told us "get out nice and sharp colored pencils." Does she mean as sharp as in the blades I use to cut myself?
Why did the blonde have sex with a Mexican?
Her teacher told her that she had to do an essay.
Yo mama so ugly, when she went to an ugly contest, they told her, "No pros allowed."
My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.
I told her to keep her chins up.
My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.
I made sure it didn't outsmart me.
