Told jokes

Just told Putin to get some b*tches.

Waiting for 3801 missiles to strike my house.

A dad told his son never to hit girls, so the son replied, "I promise."

When the son got older, he was doing the dirty with "a girl," and the girl says, "Spank me, daddy..." and the son responds, "My dad said never to hit a girl."

Then the "girl" takes off the wig, and it's his dad, and the dad said, "Good job, son!"

Son:...... um

This girl called me cute, and I told her don’t call me that. She says why, I told her, “Bitch, call me the Hokage!”

Jesus told me if I believed I would live for eternity. I believed, but at 97 I died...

I think Jesus is broken.

My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."

I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."

I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.

I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.

If your parents ever accuse you of lying... Say, "You're the one who told me about Santa Claus!"

Guess what song this is from:

"I'll cut you into little bitty pieces,

Or freeze you till your blood runs cold,

Or stab your till' you heart stops pumping.

I'm here to realize your wish from what I'm told."

They told me I'd never be good at poetry.

But to date I have made 3 jugs and a vase, and they look lovely!

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

I saw my girlfriend walking by. I told her, "Wow, you look so beautiful!" and then we started to talk. Then someone came behind me. She said, "What are you doing?" I said, "I'm flirting," and I remember I was talking to my mom, and my girlfriend was HER MOM, which is my sister, but my girlfriend/sister IS MY WIFE, but my mom is my wife too. Looks like I'm getting a divorced but which one, my girlfriend [or] my mom?

My friends were the pilots on 9/11, they told me, "Bro, chill, it's just a prank!"

You know what I told my little brother plane?

A nut told me to eat him, so I did, but something weird happened. I turned into a nut, and when I poop, there were eggs there.

I got a job at a library. I got fired after 15 minutes. They told me it was because I put women's rights in the fiction section.

After sleeping with her boyfriend for the first time, the lead singer of Blackbriar told her friend all about it: "Ik zora cock!"

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.