Told jokes

My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”

“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”

A blind kid was talking to me because he was getting bullied...

I told him, "Just tell them what you see!"

This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.

Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.

My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"

A guy told me, "Nothing rhymes with orange."

So I replied, "No, it doesn't."

I met a baseball player, so I told him to make a home run, and he just looked at me with sadness. I don't know why.

By the way, he was an orphan.

I once told an orphan to go big or go home. He replied, "I can't get home; it got bombed."

I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!

I bullied a kid in a wheelchair. I told him to stand up for himself.

My son's into astromancy asked me how do stars die, so I told him, "Usually on overdose, son."

JFK tried meditating. He told everyone he is very open-minded.

"Your mum has very small balls. Congrats! I told her, your balls are bigger than your husband's."

Hey, you know what I told the kid in a wheelchair?

I told him to be a stand-up comedian!

I saw a girl crying. I told her, "Where are your parents?" She cried more after that. I got kicked out of the orphanage.