Told jokes

Roses are red, violets are blue, You told me I'm ugly, nah, you look like a monkey!

I got mad at my white friend today. I, as a darker person, had told them to meet me outside at 3 o'clock. They, being VERY special that day, had said, "AM or PM?"

Laughing at their question, I said, "Honey, 3 AM, because I'll lose a fight at 3 PM."

I told AI to talk dirty to me. It started describing my browser history.

Someone told me I looked gay today. I told him that my clothes just came out of the closet this morning.

A blind kid was talking to me because he was getting bullied...

I told him, "Just tell them what you see!"

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.

I went fishing with my grandpa, and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun.

A black man said, "Where are the young ones?"

Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.

Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.

My biology teacher told us "get out nice and sharp colored pencils." Does she mean as sharp as in the blades I use to cut myself?

At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”

My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”

“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

I told my friend to look at the clock, then I said, "Is this a bad time?"