Hey, you know what I told the kid in a wheelchair?
I told him to be a stand-up comedian!
"Your mum has very small balls. Congrats! I told her, your balls are bigger than your husband's."
Our teacher told us to write a story about the life of an object that's not alive, so I wrote a story about an emo kid.
JFK tried meditating. He told everyone he is very open-minded.
I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!
A guy told me, "Nothing rhymes with orange."
So I replied, "No, it doesn't."
Just told Putin to get some b*tches.
Waiting for 3801 missiles to strike my house.
I once told an orphan to go big or go home. He replied, "I can't get home; it got bombed."
My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"
There was a girl called Millie, and she had sexy blond hair, and she wanted to chase me, but I told her she had to catch me first if she loves me.
My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.
My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.
I told her to keep her chins up.
Did you hear what happened to Lorainna Bobbit? She was in an accident on the Garden State Parkway. She told the State Police Officer, "That some dick cut her off."
Yo mama so ugly, when she went to an ugly contest, they told her, "No pros allowed."
Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.
My biology teacher told us "get out nice and sharp colored pencils." Does she mean as sharp as in the blades I use to cut myself?
This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"
My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"
Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.
