Told jokes

Yo mama so ugly, when she went to an ugly contest, they told her, "No pros allowed."

My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

My biology teacher told us "get out nice and sharp colored pencils." Does she mean as sharp as in the blades I use to cut myself?

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

Why did the blonde have sex with a Mexican?

Her teacher told her that she had to do an essay.

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.

I told her to keep her chins up.

My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.

I went fishing with my grandpa, and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun.

A black man said, "Where are the young ones?"

Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.

Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”

“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”

There was a girl called Millie, and she had sexy blond hair, and she wanted to chase me, but I told her she had to catch me first if she loves me.

I once told an orphan to go big or go home. He replied, "I can't get home; it got bombed."

A guy told me, "Nothing rhymes with orange."

So I replied, "No, it doesn't."

I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!

I saw a girl crying. I told her, "Where are your parents?" She cried more after that. I got kicked out of the orphanage.

My mom told me to go to bed, but then I grabbed a drink and went in their room to say goodnight, and they looked like Adam and Eve on steroids!

I met a baseball player, so I told him to make a home run, and he just looked at me with sadness. I don't know why.

By the way, he was an orphan.