Told jokes

I told my therapist you are too fat and ugly to date grown men. Then she asked me, "You wanna give a judgemental reaction about that?" I said, "Okay, you smell rat pee on somebody's cock."

What did the doctor say to the potato?

It told it it had tuberculosis.

I went up to my mom and asked how humanity started. She said it started with monkeys, so I went up to my dad and asked. My dad said it all started with Adam and Eve, so I told my dad that mom said humanity started with monkeys, and dad said mom was telling her side of the story. LOL🤣

My wife slept with another man and got pregnant. She told me 9 weeks later. I said it's ok and told her let's talk downstairs, so I pushed her down the stairs.

Stephen Hawking had pins and needles and got told to walk it off.

Child: Mom, someone told me you talk like an owl.

Teacher: Who?

Child: Oh, it is true, you do talk like an owl!

My uncle is a horrible ventriloquist. He put his hand up my butt, but he told me NOT to say anything.

They never told us Humpty was an egg. A man died then!

An orphan uses a family bathroom, and when he comes out, he gets told, "This is a family bathroom."

Yo mama so dumb, when the doctor told her she had coronavirus, she bought a new laptop.

My wife told me, "Don't buy 1 gun while on your trip," so I decided to buy 2 guns instead.

I went home and I saw my friend kissing my sister. I said, "What’s going on?" They both told me that they’re going out with each other. I said, "Alright."

The next morning, I see my friend kissing my mom. I said, "What’s going here?" They both told me they’re going out with each other. Then my friend said to me, "I gave you 3 gifts. 1 gift, I’m your best friend. 2 gift, I’m your new brother-in-law. 3 gift, I’m your new stepfather." I felt so happy I had a friend that [is] looking out for me.

I told a joke to an orphan, turns out he wasn't an orphan...

You know what a big ass is. If I told you it's a fake ass, so I'm lesbo.

I dated an orphan and then later married him for 7 years until he told me he was an orphan.

I would have told you a cheesy pun, but it was too cheesy. *picks up cheeses*

I told my mother I'm a sexy cunt. She said, "No, you got cancer, you twat."

My friend said they were going to make a comeback. I told them to do it at the back of the throat.

A man finds his son climbing the roof of his house. The kid kept using all sorts of material to climb up, but the dad didn't pay much attention.

Next day the kid went to the state tower and kept climbing using some adhesive gloves. The dad asks his son for a second time: "Son! Why are you doing this?" The son replies: "You told me to aim up high!"

Friend: Why did you touch me?

Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.