Told jokes

My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking, so I brought home some tampons.

A wise man once told me: "If you poke the bear in prison, the bear will happily return the favor when it's time to shower."

I was studying in Turin, and my professor told me I had to use PENS only.

I looked in my bag for pens, and they were GONE. I looked at the surveillance footage and saw that CRISTIANO PENALDO stole ALL MY PENS. I was fuming. Shame on you, Penaldo!

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

So I became a teacher in a school for disabled children.

A kid wanted to ask me a question, so I told him to stand while he address me. 💀

My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.

Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."

Some trans "woman" came up to me and told me to act my age so I told him to act his gender

My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.

I told a joke and someone said, "no one asked." Then I said, "no one would care to even ask."

Yo mama's so stupid, when I told her that she lost her mind, she went looking for it.

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

I told the emo girl to stop playing fruit ninja on her wrists.

I told my orphan girlfriend that I had to grab milk. (Goes to the store, grabs milk.) As I grab the milk, I thought, "Hey, I bet I can repeat her life twice."

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

I just watched a 9/11 documentary on a plane. Man next to me said, "You know we're going to New York, right?" I told him I just wanna know what I got into.

I told my friend that we should dress up as P. Diddy and Drake for Halloween and ask parents if their kid wants to come over for a sleepover.

I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.

My parents told me I was born on the highway.

Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.