Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
Yo mama's so stupid, when I told her that she lost her mind, she went looking for it.
I told my orphan girlfriend that I had to grab milk. (Goes to the store, grabs milk.) As I grab the milk, I thought, "Hey, I bet I can repeat her life twice."
My parents told me I was born on the highway.
Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.
My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.
I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."
I told my friend that we should dress up as P. Diddy and Drake for Halloween and ask parents if their kid wants to come over for a sleepover.
Your hairline is so long that when you finally found the length of it, you told someone and they said, "Don't give me your phone number."
My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.
I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.
I just watched a 9/11 documentary on a plane. Man next to me said, "You know we're going to New York, right?" I told him I just wanna know what I got into.
I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.
I told a joke and someone said, "no one asked." Then I said, "no one would care to even ask."
I told the emo girl to stop playing fruit ninja on her wrists.
My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.
My wife told me to stop being an idiot.
I told her, "Which one do you want?"
Somebody told me a chemistry joke. I thought it was sodium funny, I slapped my neon that one.
I came home from school one day and told my cat a kid at school said I was an idiot and told me to go kick rocks, so I did, except I kicked him, not the rocks, and I called him the idiot for not moving out of the way.
A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.
The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"
People told Kobe to fly high. Look what happened.
