Told jokes

All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.

They run and play along the streets of Gold.

Why is heaven such a doggie-delight...

Why, because there's not a single cat in sight.

My gf told me she was pregnant. So I punched her in the stomach.

She asked me "Why the hell did you do that?!?!?" "I wanted to let you know I'm pro abortion."

How did the Mexican girl get pregnant? Her teacher told her to do his essay.

I went fishing with my grandpa, and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun.

A black man said, "Where are the young ones?"

The annoying orange told the annoying, insecure, beta bitch orange that he wants to be the most annoying thing on Earth again.

My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish.

I started thrashing about and roared, “You don’t have enough badges to control me!”

A friend of mine told me this joke a long time ago and I have never forgotten it.

A worm was crawling over a train track, and a train ran over him and cut off his ass. The worm turned around to get the piece of his ass back and another train ran over him and cut off his head.

BAD IDEA and a lesson to us all.

NEVER LOSE YOUR HEAD OVER A PIECE OF ASS!! LMAO (literally, kind of)( pretty sure you get it)

How did Helen Keller get punished?

Her parents gave her a bomb and told her to eat it.

So, there was this kid, and he went to a store and said to a person there, "I'm emo." Then the person told the emo, "Why the hell are you here? Shouldn't you be hanging in a tree somewhere?"

My parents told me I was born on the highway.

Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.

"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist.

He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

My grandpa died in 9/11. I was told his last words were "Allahu Akbar."

My doctor told me I had Alzheimer’s.

I said to him, “I don’t remember asking.”

So, I text my girlfriend and told her I wanted to get inside her. Can you believe she replied: "Not again brother, I'm only 8."

A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea, his eye hurts. The doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink. When he finished, the doctor told him: "From now on, take off the spoon."

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

So, this kid told me what high school he was going to and asked me if I thought he would make it in.

I said, "No, they don't have double doors."

One day, Billy cow wandered off to the railroad tracks where his mother always told him not to go. His mother asked him where he had gone when he got home. He replied that he was just going for a graze. His neighbor later told his mother he had saw him at the railroad tracks. What would you call Billy cow now?

Ground Beef.

My friend said they were going to make a comeback. I told them to do it at the back of the throat.

My mom told me to get dressed, and I said, "For what? Are we going to the rodeo?"