Told Jokes

My parents told me I was born on the highway.

Aparently that’s where most accidents happen.

Somebody told me chemistry joke. I thought it was sodium funny, I slapped my neon that one.

I was studying in Turin and my professor told me I had to use PENS only. I looked in my bag for pens and they were GONE. I looked at the surveillance footage and saw that CRISTIANO PENALDO stole ALL MY PENS. I was fuming. Shame on you Penaldo!

I came home from school One day and told my cat a kid at school said I was an idiot and told me to go kick rocks so I did except I kicked him out him and I called him the idiot for not moving out of the way

People told Kobe to fly high look what happend

my old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking thru a field of dead babies was.... his cock

Some trans "woman" came up to me and told me to act my age so I told him to act his gender

Kid: Mom! You lied to me! Mom: when? Kid: you told me that my little brother was an Angel! Mom: Sooo? Kid: Then why didn’t he fly when I threw him off the balcony? Mom: WHAT!!!??!!

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated When I told him this, he said, 'Are you kidding me?'.

I said, 'I shit you not.'

My friend just got a new house, he told me to make myself at home, so i threw him out. I hate visiters.

my brother wanted to go fishing i told him he had to learn how to master bait go look it up on youtube guess who is grounded

My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish.

I started thrashing about and roared “You don’t have enough badges to control me!”

Two men are in a rainforest and one of them is peeing. Suddenly a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “ Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!”. He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out. The man wen back to the other man and said, “ There is no hope, you will die.”

I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning

I told my friend that someone accused him of blowing dead bears. I said I defended him by responding that I saw 1 get up and walk away.

How did Helen Keller lose her virginity?

I told her the plunger was stuck in the toilet but she didn’t listen...

What did the blonde say when I told a rape joke?

Can you show me what rape is

Can’t believe how ungrateful my dwarf next door neighbor is. I saw him waiting at the bus stop earlier today and offered to give him a lift, but he told me to “fuck off”. In the end I decided to just close my rucksack and walk away.