Told Jokes

A wise man once told me: "If you poke the bear in prison, the bear will happily return the favor when it's time to shower."

I was studying in Turin, and my professor told me I had to use PENS only.

I looked in my bag for pens, and they were GONE. I looked at the surveillance footage and saw that CRISTIANO PENALDO stole ALL MY PENS. I was fuming. Shame on you, Penaldo!

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

So I became a teacher in a school for disabled children.

A kid wanted to ask me a question, so I told him to stand while he address me. 💀

My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.

Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

Your hairline is so long that when you finally found the length of it, you told someone and they said, "Don't give me your phone number."

My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.

I told a joke and someone said, "no one asked." Then I said, "no one would care to even ask."

Yo mama's so stupid, when I told her that she lost her mind, she went looking for it.

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

I told the emo girl to stop playing fruit ninja on her wrists.

I told my orphan girlfriend that I had to grab milk. (Goes to the store, grabs milk.) As I grab the milk, I thought, "Hey, I bet I can repeat her life twice."

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

I just watched a 9/11 documentary on a plane. Man next to me said, "You know we're going to New York, right?" I told him I just wanna know what I got into.

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.

I told my friend that we should dress up as P. Diddy and Drake for Halloween and ask parents if their kid wants to come over for a sleepover.

I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.

My parents told me I was born on the highway.

Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.