Told jokes

I told my orphan girlfriend that I had to grab milk. (Goes to the store, grabs milk.) As I grab the milk, I thought, "Hey, I bet I can repeat her life twice."

I told a joke and someone said, "no one asked." Then I said, "no one would care to even ask."

Somebody told me to cheer up so.... I told him to pass me a rope :)

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.

My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.

Yo mama's so stupid, when I told her that she lost her mind, she went looking for it.

I told my therapist I feel suicidal. He charged me in advance.

I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."

Somebody told me a chemistry joke. I thought it was sodium funny, I slapped my neon that one.

At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.

On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.

“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.

I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.

People told Kobe to fly high. Look what happened.

My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.

A wise man once told me: "If you poke the bear in prison, the bear will happily return the favor when it's time to shower."

Some trans "woman" came up to me and told me to act my age so I told him to act his gender

My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish.

I started thrashing about and roared, “You don’t have enough badges to control me!”

Kid: Mom! You lied to me!

Mom: When?

Kid: You told me that my little brother was an Angel!

Mom: Sooo?

Kid: Then why didn’t he fly when I threw him off the balcony?

Mom: WHAT!!!??!!

Why'd the orphan cross the road? He was told his parents were on the other side.

My friend just got a new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.