Told jokes

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

I told my orphan girlfriend that I had to grab milk. (Goes to the store, grabs milk.) As I grab the milk, I thought, "Hey, I bet I can repeat her life twice."

Yo mama's so stupid, when I told her that she lost her mind, she went looking for it.

My parents told me I was born on the highway.

Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.

Somebody told me a chemistry joke. I thought it was sodium funny, I slapped my neon that one.

At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.

On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.

“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.

I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

How did Helen Keller lose her virginity?

I told her the plunger was stuck in the toilet, but she didn’t listen...

People told Kobe to fly high. Look what happened.

My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.

I told a blind man to read more, so he grabbed my arm and read the whole dictionary.

A wise man once told me: "If you poke the bear in prison, the bear will happily return the favor when it's time to shower."

My friend just got a new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.

Kid: Mom! You lied to me!

Mom: When?

Kid: You told me that my little brother was an Angel!

Mom: Sooo?

Kid: Then why didn’t he fly when I threw him off the balcony?

Mom: WHAT!!!??!!

Why'd the orphan cross the road? He was told his parents were on the other side.

My brother wanted to go fishing. I told him he had to learn how to "master bait". Go look it up on YouTube. Guess who is grounded?

My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish.

I started thrashing about and roared, “You don’t have enough badges to control me!”

I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome. I told my mom I wanted my first time to be special.

My brother caught Covid last month.

First I knew about it was when he speed-dialled me at 3am and gasped, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe!"

I just told him straight: "Bro... you really need to work on your George Floyd jokes."