Told jokes

I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."

I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.

I told a joke and someone said, "no one asked." Then I said, "no one would care to even ask."

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.

I just watched a 9/11 documentary on a plane. Man next to me said, "You know we're going to New York, right?" I told him I just wanna know what I got into.

Roses are red. Watches are gold. Get on your knees and do what you're told.

I told my friend that we should dress up as P. Diddy and Drake for Halloween and ask parents if their kid wants to come over for a sleepover.

My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.

My parents told me I was born on the highway.

Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.

Somebody told me a chemistry joke. I thought it was sodium funny, I slapped my neon that one.

At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.

On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.

“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.

I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.

People told Kobe to fly high. Look what happened.

My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.

A wise man once told me: "If you poke the bear in prison, the bear will happily return the favor when it's time to shower."

Kid: Mom! You lied to me!

Mom: When?

Kid: You told me that my little brother was an Angel!

Mom: Sooo?

Kid: Then why didn’t he fly when I threw him off the balcony?

Mom: WHAT!!!??!!

Why'd the orphan cross the road? He was told his parents were on the other side.

My brother wanted to go fishing. I told him he had to learn how to "master bait". Go look it up on YouTube. Guess who is grounded?

My friend just got a new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.

My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish.

I started thrashing about and roared, “You don’t have enough badges to control me!”