Told jokes

I told Siri about my dog, and she told me if she could tell me a joke to cheer me up, and I said okay.

She asked me, "Knock knock." I said, "Who is there?" She said, "Not your dog."

What is the only thing worse than being told you're adopted?

Still being in the orphanage at 13.

They told me a mask was enough to get into the supermarket.

They lied, everybody else was also wearing pants.

My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"

My friend came over to my house. He asked where my girlfriend was, and I told him she is in the garden.

He said, "That's weird, I didn't see her." I said, "You have to dig a little."

I was in an audition for the lead role of movie "Aquaman." The Director told me to dive into a pool. Then outta nowhere Penaldo showed up and made a big dive into the pool. The director was impressed and selected Penaldo for the movie.

Shame on you Penaldo for destroying my dream!

My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.

I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?

My mom told me, "You son of a b!tch." I told her, "I may be a son of a b!ch but at least I am not the bitch." She hated me forever.

An action hero stops a man running by throwing a tire at him.

What is his one liner? "I told you to stop running or you will get tired."

I told a seal a joke, it went like this: "Why did the kid cross the playground?" He said, "Why?" I said, "To get to the other slide." And then he said, "That's the sealiest thing I've ever heard!"

If I had a dime for every time someone has told me to kill myself, I'd be a millionaire.

My friend just told me about reverse exorcisms.

In these, the demon tells the priest to get out of the child.

I told an orphan there were 363 days in a year.

I told the ugly friend in my friend group that when they daydream, they shouldn't picture themselves because it will just ruin it.

I got a job at a library. I got fired after 15 minutes. They told me it was because I put women's rights in the fiction section.

Ask someone to call you a bitch. When they do, tell them, "Bitches do as they are told!"

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

Yesterday I saw an orphan kid playing GTA and told him he can't get 5 stars because he ain't wanted.

I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.

My girlfriend went to Tokyo, and she died in the tsunami.

Since I was sad, my friend told me, "Don't worry, there's plenty more in the ocean."