Told jokes

My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"

My mom told me, "You son of a b!tch." I told her, "I may be a son of a b!ch but at least I am not the bitch." She hated me forever.

My friend wasn't open to the idea of me becoming a nudist.

I told him to stop being so clothes-minded.

An action hero stops a man running by throwing a tire at him.

What is his one liner? "I told you to stop running or you will get tired."

I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.

My girlfriend's sister told me to write her a poem. This is what I came up with:

roses are red, violets are blue, if you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

My girlfriend went to Tokyo, and she died in the tsunami.

Since I was sad, my friend told me, "Don't worry, there's plenty more in the ocean."

I told the ugly friend in my friend group that when they daydream, they shouldn't picture themselves because it will just ruin it.

Yesterday I saw an orphan kid playing GTA and told him he can't get 5 stars because he ain't wanted.

I shouted at a kid. I told him to get his parents.

It was the last time I worked at an orphanage, 🤣.

My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.

So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"

I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"

My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.

Ask someone to call you a bitch. When they do, tell them, "Bitches do as they are told!"

I got a job at a library. I got fired after 15 minutes. They told me it was because I put women's rights in the fiction section.

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

I told a seal a joke, it went like this: "Why did the kid cross the playground?" He said, "Why?" I said, "To get to the other slide." And then he said, "That's the sealiest thing I've ever heard!"

If I had a dime for every time someone has told me to kill myself, I'd be a millionaire.

Just told Putin to get some b*tches.

Waiting for 3801 missiles to strike my house.

So my dad tells these jokes and someone posted one on this website so...

How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb? 101, one to hold the light bulb and 100 to spin the house.

There’s also one about a bowling ball in a bath tub he hasn’t told me that though. I'll research that.

A girl in my class started barking, and I yelled out, "Furry!" Everyone started laughing at her, and I felt bad. After school, I asked to drive her home, and one the way there I apologized and then told her to count down from 10 - 1. Before she said one, I yelled, "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" then I jumped out the car.

I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......