Told jokes

My friend came over to my house. He asked where my girlfriend was, and I told him she is in the garden.

He said, "That's weird, I didn't see her." I said, "You have to dig a little."

My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.

I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?

I was in an audition for the lead role of movie "Aquaman." The Director told me to dive into a pool. Then outta nowhere Penaldo showed up and made a big dive into the pool. The director was impressed and selected Penaldo for the movie.

Shame on you Penaldo for destroying my dream!

My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"

My mom told me, "You son of a b!tch." I told her, "I may be a son of a b!ch but at least I am not the bitch." She hated me forever.

My friend wasn't open to the idea of me becoming a nudist.

I told him to stop being so clothes-minded.

An action hero stops a man running by throwing a tire at him.

What is his one liner? "I told you to stop running or you will get tired."

I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.

My girlfriend's sister told me to write her a poem. This is what I came up with:

roses are red, violets are blue, if you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

My girlfriend went to Tokyo, and she died in the tsunami.

Since I was sad, my friend told me, "Don't worry, there's plenty more in the ocean."

I told the ugly friend in my friend group that when they daydream, they shouldn't picture themselves because it will just ruin it.

Yesterday I saw an orphan kid playing GTA and told him he can't get 5 stars because he ain't wanted.

I shouted at a kid. I told him to get his parents.

It was the last time I worked at an orphanage, 🤣.

My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.

So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"

I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"

My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.

Ask someone to call you a bitch. When they do, tell them, "Bitches do as they are told!"

I got a job at a library. I got fired after 15 minutes. They told me it was because I put women's rights in the fiction section.

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

I told a seal a joke, it went like this: "Why did the kid cross the playground?" He said, "Why?" I said, "To get to the other slide." And then he said, "That's the sealiest thing I've ever heard!"

If I had a dime for every time someone has told me to kill myself, I'd be a millionaire.

My dad is really angry at me for kicking the balls. He's the one that told me always aim for them. Is that why I don't have a brother?