An action hero stops a man running by throwing a tire at him.
What is his one liner? "I told you to stop running or you will get tired."
My friend wasn't open to the idea of me becoming a nudist.
I told him to stop being so clothes-minded.
My mom told me, "You son of a b!tch." I told her, "I may be a son of a b!ch but at least I am not the bitch." She hated me forever.
If I had a dime for every time someone has told me to kill myself, I'd be a millionaire.
I told a seal a joke, it went like this: "Why did the kid cross the playground?" He said, "Why?" I said, "To get to the other slide." And then he said, "That's the sealiest thing I've ever heard!"
I told a Chinese man, "Which is better, cats or dogs?"
He said, "Dogs."
I said, "Why?"
He said, "Because dogs tasted better than cats."
Two terrorists walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get you?"
The terrorists both say, "A beer."
The bartender overhears them talking about how they will kill 300 people and a donkey. The bartender says, "Why a donkey?"
One terrorist says, "See, I told you no one would care about the people!"
So my dad tells these jokes and someone posted one on this website so...
How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb? 101, one to hold the light bulb and 100 to spin the house.
There’s also one about a bowling ball in a bath tub he hasn’t told me that though. I'll research that.
A girl in my class started barking, and I yelled out, "Furry!" Everyone started laughing at her, and I felt bad. After school, I asked to drive her home, and one the way there I apologized and then told her to count down from 10 - 1. Before she said one, I yelled, "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" then I jumped out the car.
I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......
Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.
The popular girl told me, "I bet your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory!"
Two weeks later, she shows up pregnant.
...
I guess her rubber broke too.
I was walking and I saw a girl crying, and she told me to take her dollhouse and I asked why. She said because I don't have one.
I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.
What is an orphan’s least favorite movie?
"Spider-Man," because it told them there was no way home.
So I told an orphan to slap themselves until they are wanted. I came back the next day to see them slapping themselves. Then I stopped them and told them to punch themselves.
The next day I saw a dead orphan.
What do you call a person with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, you told them twice.
I saw a little boy playing alone in the street. I told him that was a bad idea, then asked for his parents.
God, orphanages are fun to work at!!
Jimmy watched in horror as Alex told the suicidal man to do a flip.
I punched an orphan and told him to go back to his parents and tell them about it... oh wait
