Told jokes

I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes.

He hugged me!

My wife complained about me being childish. So I told her to get out of my fort.

The mailman came to drop the mail off.

Me (son): I went and told my mommy that daddy is home.

Mommy tells me, "You got no daddy."

Then I say, "I hear you always call the mailman daddy."

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They told her to go find the light.

I told an orphan that I watch Family Guy, and he seemed disappointed, so I reminded him that he has no family.

My mom told me, "You son of a b!tch." I told her, "I may be a son of a b!ch but at least I am not the bitch." She hated me forever.

My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.

I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?

My friend came over to my house. He asked where my girlfriend was, and I told him she is in the garden.

He said, "That's weird, I didn't see her." I said, "You have to dig a little."

I told a seal a joke, it went like this: "Why did the kid cross the playground?" He said, "Why?" I said, "To get to the other slide." And then he said, "That's the sealiest thing I've ever heard!"

They told me Avengers: Endgame was going to be 3 hours long, but honestly? I felt like it was over in a SNAP!

An action hero stops a man running by throwing a tire at him.

What is his one liner? "I told you to stop running or you will get tired."

Somebody told me that black slang is just white slang in reverse. For example:

White person: Dad, you're home!

Black person: Dad?

White person: You can keep the change.

Black person: Empty the register.

My girlfriend went to Tokyo, and she died in the tsunami.

Since I was sad, my friend told me, "Don't worry, there's plenty more in the ocean."

My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.

So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"

I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"

My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.

Yesterday I saw an orphan kid playing GTA and told him he can't get 5 stars because he ain't wanted.

Yo mama so ugly, when she went to an ugly contest, they told her, "No pros allowed."

I told an orphan there were 363 days in a year.

I shouted at a kid. I told him to get his parents.

It was the last time I worked at an orphanage, 🤣.

I got a job at a library. I got fired after 15 minutes. They told me it was because I put women's rights in the fiction section.

Ask someone to call you a bitch. When they do, tell them, "Bitches do as they are told!"