Told jokes

I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes.

He hugged me!

This girl told me people call her ugly because she is disabled. I told her to stand up for herself.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They told her to go find the light.

The highest praise my wife gave to me was when she told me, "The best feminine attribute on your body as a woman would be your p🍆nis." 🥰

My friend's emo. I told her to play jump rope with me. She hanged herself. Lol.

You're so ugly the densest told you to lay face down.

I was walking to the store, and then this boy told me, "I'm an orphan and I have no money." He wanted M\&Ms. I gave him a family-sized bag.

My gf told me I have to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

What is an orphan’s least favorite movie?

"Spider-Man," because it told them there was no way home.

My mom told me to be positive...

I was heading to an HIV test.

My mom once told me to spread positivity across the world, so I did.

I spread Covid across the globe because I tested positive :D

My mother told me to be positive, but she said that when I was going to do an AIDS test.

I tried kidnapping a kid today and told him I was his dad's friend and I would take him home. He just curled up into a ball and started crying. Kidnapping must be easy.

Yo mama's so stupid, when I told her that she lost her mind, she went looking for it.

My mom told me to recycle the trash. I guess I’m taking you for another bike ride!

"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist.

He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.

My girlfriend told me that she wonders what our kids will look like.

No, they will be wondering what I look like.

What is an orphan's least favorite movie?

Spider-Man, because it told them there was no way home.