*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stockpiled "just in case".
The whole lot collapsed and buried him.
A toddler was giving her daddy a tea party.
She brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea, her Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, "You know the only place she can reach water, is the toilet!"
Amber Heard morning schedule: - Wake up - Eat breakfast - Take a shit - Get out of bed - Shower
When the husband said "Is your ass so big?" she said "Because I am holding my shit."
Your mama so fat when she sits on the toilet it sings, "ABC, 123, get your fat ass off of me!"
How is toilet paper recycled?
Easier than you would think, but first they have to process the crap out of it.
My hemorrhoids are so bad, I’ve had toilet bowls that looked like abortions.
What did the store manager say when they ran out of toilet paper?
We’re wiped out!
When I shit in the toilet, I think that if I shit hard enough, I can see my asshole plug.
This shit is weird (as baby girl pees).
Dad: “Trust me, shitting is weirder.”
How to surprise a blind man: put a plunger in the toilet!
You're so poor, you use the same toilet paper every time you take a poop!
When you're Russian to the bathroom, and when you're finished you're from Finland. what are you when you are IN the bathroom?
European
Why did the poop cross the street? Because it was trying to get in the toilet.
A dad asked his son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday, and he replied, "How about a urinal cake?!"
I went, I saw, I poop at hole. I make a portal.
No more toilet paper jokes, please.
Q: What did the butt say to the face?
A: It farted!
True Story
A CO was receiving inmates as they're being recalled from their assigned jobs to prepare for count. An inmate that had passed the officer returned bleeding through his trousers from his crotch. The inmate had an argument with his lover who had told him that he wasn't enough woman for him. As the inmate was bleeding he was crying out, "He doesn't love me anymore!"
The officer called for medical assistance and went into the assigned cell. He found the severed penis. He fished it out of the toilet and placed it in a plastic bag with ice. He claimed that the medical staff at the hospital could reattach it. He took a ribbing from his fellow officers, because most would've flushed it. I retired and months later saw a fellow officer at the store. As we caught up, I mentioned that the last incident I responded to was 'the severed penis.' The officer tells me that the inmate severed his penis again after it was reattached and flushed it himself.
I am having a shit and there[sic] nothing else to read.
