Time Jokes

You see this guy's sense, bahh? If it was a cartoon, it would be an avatar. Cause why?

Anytime he needs it most, it vanishes. 😹💔

"Shout out to entity...welcome to hell!"

"Every time I see your icon I vomit lol."

"Get a life... hey I'm violet olivegarden how can I help you if you need me to disc someone ill help..."

Orphans' calendar consists of 362 days. Why?

Because they don't got homecoming, Father's Day, and Mother's Day.

Yo mama eat so much that she threw up a thousand times and said, "Help me, son!"

Yo mama so far that when she walks outside at 8 a.m., it becomes midnight all over again.

A comic strip shows people dressed in Harry Potter costumes waiting outside a store with a sign that reads 'Midnight Sale'. The text reads 'THE PAST... "IT WAS THE EARLY 2000s. A TIME WHEN WE ALL LEARNED TO TAKE PRECAUTIONS AGAINST SPOILERS." I'VE AVOIDED READING NEWSPAPERS AND EVEN LOGGED OFF OF THE WORLD WIDE WEB TO MAKE SURE THAT THE NEW HARRY POTTER BOOK ISN'T RUINED FOR ME. "ME TOO! I'M NOT GOING TO CHECK MY GEOCITIES PAGE UNTIL I'M THROUGH THE BOOK!" MIDNIGHT SALE SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE! SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE! -OOOOOOOORRRRE! NOOOOOOOO!'. In the next panels, Deadpool in a Harry Potter themed cloak spoils the book.

Why are 9/11 victims the fastest readers in the world?

Because they went through 90 stories in just 10 seconds!

Stupid joke about Stephen Hawking that wasn't funny the first fucking time.

I used to work at a candlestick factory, but only on the wickends! It was illuminating!

What is more time-consuming than children?

Waiting for your wife to go into labor!

What is a good time for dinner, and what do I do for you? And dinner, dinner, and what, yyyuyy dinner? 🍴 Night time.

What time is it when you smell garbage? Time to run!

I woke up one night to a strange noise, and when I went to investigate what it was, I found out that it was coming from my parents' room.

I looked inside and counted, ok one, two, three finger men and my mom, so nothing out of the ordinary, so then I checked my sister's room, and I counted 4 other women in the room, but then I realized that the sound was coming from right in front of me. It was my dad giving me a BJ the whole time.

One time a kid came to the hospital and said, "I really need help." The kid said he was really hot, so they put an ice cold towel on him.

Then the doctor asked him if he had any problems, and he said, "Yes, I am really hot." The doctor realized that he looked fine, so he said, "Are you sure? You look amazing." And the kid said that he meant to say, "I look hot!"

A man walks into a skyscraper bar and takes a shot of tequila and jumps out of a window. An onlooker watches this and is scared, but what scared him most is when the same man who jumped came back up again 10 minutes later.

The onlooker who is amazed asked the man how he was still alive, and the man said with a drunk, slurred voice, “I don’t know, every time I take a shot and jump I float right before I hit the ground!” The man demonstrates and as he said floated down and came back up to the bar. The onlooker says that he must try, slams a shot of tequila and jumps SPLAT!

The bartender looks at the first man and says, “Your an a**hole when your drunk, Superman.”

What's the best part of having sex with a baby?

Deep throat and anal at the same time.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get the Chinese Daily!

Get it? I don't either--I get the New York Times!

Me: I been up all night, no sleep--

The lie detector I didn’t know I had: Lie.

Me: stfu! I’m just singing!

Lie detector: You literally listen to music all the time... you almost don’t even sleep!

Me: THEN WHY THE FUCK DID TOU SAY IT’S A LIE, WHEN I SAID I DIDN’T SLEEP?!

Lie detector: It’s 3:00 AM in 8 minutes, you usually close your eyes to sleep when it’s 5:00 AM... You get waken up at 7:00 AM... you only sleep two hours......

Q: What's the difference between a grandma fetish and necrophilia?

A: A few weeks.

When Caesar’s wife told him she dreamed he should beware the Ides of March, he scoffed and said, “What? It’s not like I’m gonna be stabbed 23 times by my best buddies!”