Time jokes

If you wait for a woman to get 9 months pregnant and kill her, you will never be able to stop the loop.

By day I like girls, by night I like boys, but you, I wouldn’t like you at dusk or dawn.

Mom: Son, where are my condoms?

Son: What are condoms?

Dad: She puts it on me and the sandwich.

Son: Wait, why did my girlfriend come over and take one?

Dad: Um, I don't know, but go to bed.

Son: But it's 2:46pm in the afternoon, bruh.

A Catholic school is burning down. One of the priests says, "Save the children, save them!" Another priest says, "F*ck the children, we're gonna die!!" The last priest is like, "Hmmm... do we have time?"

Your mamma so fat Thanos had to clap 4 times.

Yo mama so old, she pre-ordered the Bible.

My Friend: Why does Santa look like that?

My 15 Year Old Friend: He has secateurs cancer...

Me: I heard it's because he comes once a year.

*Everyone Looks at me*

A customer asked me to look at their hairline. I time traveled back to the dinosaurs.

I got so bad about cutting myself every time I went to the bathroom, I wanted to break my jacket zipper off and use that!

Yo momma so fat, I took a picture of her 1 year ago, and it's still printing.

What was Stephen Hawking's favorite song?

Deja Vu.

The first time I EVER HAD SEX I WAS ALL ALONE. You know why?

IT WAS DARK and I WAS ALL ALONE!

Alright, my sister is ALWAYS dancing randomly all the time, and what I say is, "Go get you boyfriend, dude!"

Me: Mom, I think I need to go to the hospital.

Mom: OMG, why son?

Me: I don't know what's wrong, but every time I close my eyes, I can see.

Think about it, then spread LMAO.

Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas, and it's still printing.

Stephen Hawking will be greatly missed for the time he walked this Earth.

Random words in my keyboard:

The most annoying part of this game has always been that the players don’t know how much time it takes to get to the table before you start playing them.

Say "urine egger" five times fast.

My Countryhumans OC, Sahara, is the daughter of France and Soviet. When people ask why, I tell them it was the gendersnapped version of my parents making me. France (my dad) was drunk and Soviet (my mom) was being horny. Then they judge me, so I judge them with a knife to the chest 47 times.

A paradigm are so bad, go away from fast and fast and faster than a rabbit. Once upon a time there was a rabbit who teased a tortoise. The tortoise challenged the rabbit to a race. The race began and the rabbit ran fast as the tortoise walked slow. The rabbit thought the tortoise could not come here so slow, so he decided to take a nap. As he took a nap, the tortoise walked past through him and soon the rabbit woke. He ran as fast as he could, but when he came to the end, the rabbit saw the tortoise and then the rabbit never teased the tortoise again.