Time jokes
Girl: How much do you love me?
Me: Count the stars in the sky.
Girl: Aww, it's infinite!
Me: No, just a waste of time.
What's the difference between you and me?
I have a plan for this new year.
So long, suckers. Keep scrolling.
Somebody shouts "Fire!"
Man 1: Get the children out!
Man 2: F*** the children!
Man 3: We don't have time!
Yo mama so fat that the Avengers team had to snap five times and say, "Oh my God!"
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times? A Brazil nut.
"Let it go, LET IT GO!" Blah blah blah whatever the rest of the song says dun dun blah blah blah my mom never bothered me anyway.
I'm bored 😴 so that's why I sang in my wonderful voice for a few seconds and wasted your time.
What do you call a winter time contact?
A Santa Claus.
Can two high-femme lesbians go on a date with each other?
Yes, but it will take them forever to get ready.
There are two kids sitting in a classroom: Lily and John. Lily sleeps in class every day.
The teacher asks Lily who made heaven and earth. John pokes her with a pencil. She shouts, "Jesus Christ Almighty!"
The teacher says, "That's right."
The teacher says the next day she asks the same question. John pokes her with a pencil. She shouts, "Jesus Christ Almighty!"
"That's right," the teacher says.
The next day she asks Lily what did Eve say to Adam after their 100th. John pokes her again. "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'mma break it in half!" she shouts.
A girl walks up to her blind friend who she had not seen in a while and says: "Long time no see!"
How do you make a little girl cry for a second time?
By wiping her blood off your dick with her teddy bear.
I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.
A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."
My girlfriend was born on February 29th, so does that mean she is 2 years old?
Why was everybody so tired on April 1st? Because they just finished a March of 31 days!
A kid annoyed me the other day. I told him to shut up and go back to his parents. That's the last time I'm going to an orphanage.
Dad: "I'll be back in a minute."
20 years later
Orphan: "Dad?"
Your hairline goes back to when Adam and Eve were born.