Time jokes

My BFF asked me: "You know why it took Carlos 3 days to move on?"

I said: "Why?"

My BFF says: "Well, it's because he was already cheating!"

I said: "KNEW IT!"

Your forehead so big your thoughts started on a Monday and didn't end 'til Sunday.

Yo mama so fat, One Punch Man had to punch 3 times.

What's the second hardest thing in the morning?

The first hardest thing. 🍆

I talk about the girls in my math class simping over anime characters and making random ships as well as for Miraculous Ladybug children's show, whatever the show is called, but it's a kids show. 💀 Now they’re searching up pictures of Tom Holland laughing in their absolute weirdness.

I like Tom Holland, but these kids man, they like him like they’re in a relationship. They might as well start kissing and licking the screen. They’re probably writing fanfictions in their free time when they aren’t searching up kids show characters, anime characters, and Tom Holland pics on their SCHOOL CHROMEBOOK. Their only device choice was a school-provided laptop which is monitored by the school while they are writing fan fictions on Google Docs and searching up some weird Tom Holland stuff. Imagine how Tom Holland would feel if he found out that there are 11 year old girls searching up some weird stuff about him.

You know why morning food digests so quickly.

Because it breaks fast.

Why do orphans play GTA so much?

Because they can be wanted for once.

How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?

5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.

A little riddle...

Trump has it short, Kennedy has it long, the Pope has it but he doesn't use it, what is it?

...

Obviously the Surname, what are you thinking about you pervert?

Some guy asked me, "Are you better than my meat?" I said, "No, I'm not better, I just beat it all the time."

This kid was crying, so I asked him where his parents were. He just cried harder. I still remember him every time I pass that orphanage.

When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."

You're so fat, every time you go in the elevator, it goes down.

I was watching a "don't laugh" video, and an erection joke almost made me laugh.

It really gave me a hard time indeed.

If I had two nickels every time PETA parodied a game, I'd have 14.

A Catholic school is burning down. One of the priests says, "Save the children, save them!" Another priest says, "F*ck the children, we're gonna die!!" The last priest is like, "Hmmm... do we have time?"

One time, a man got mad at me because I was hitting on his girlfriend. Like come on, man, it was only a couple of bruises!

How many times does Ariana Grande knock at the door?

She doesn’t, she just uses 7 rings.

The first time I heard your voice, my foreskin fell off.

What’s red and white and black all over?

A dead white man at night time!