Time jokes
If I smiled one centimeter each time I watched someone I hated die, I'd look like the Cheshire Cat.
Three sons left home, went out into the world, and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.
"I built a big house for our mum," said the first.
"I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur," said the second.
And the third smiled and said, "I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it."
A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,
"The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house."
To the second son she said, "I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude."
To the third son she wrote "Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!"
I'm not suicidal, I'm just speedrunning life.
Yo mama so fat that she was born on the 3rd, 4th, and 5th of March.
Why do we not have female magicians? Because last time we had them, we burned them alive.
Did you know that if you die you can still be a part of family game night!
All you have to do is have your family cremate you and put you in an hour glass, and the games that use hour glasses, well, you will be a part of family game night.
Q: How are Clocks like Pedophiles? A: They both stop at 12.
Girl: How much do you love me?
Me: Count the stars in the sky.
Girl: Aww, it's infinite!
Me: No, just a waste of time.
What's the difference between you and me?
I have a plan for this new year.
So long, suckers. Keep scrolling.
Somebody shouts "Fire!"
Man 1: Get the children out!
Man 2: F*** the children!
Man 3: We don't have time!
Yo mama so fat that the Avengers team had to snap five times and say, "Oh my God!"
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times? A Brazil nut.
"Let it go, LET IT GO!" Blah blah blah whatever the rest of the song says dun dun blah blah blah my mom never bothered me anyway.
I'm bored 😴 so that's why I sang in my wonderful voice for a few seconds and wasted your time.
What do you call a winter time contact?
A Santa Claus.
Can two high-femme lesbians go on a date with each other?
Yes, but it will take them forever to get ready.
There are two kids sitting in a classroom: Lily and John. Lily sleeps in class every day.
The teacher asks Lily who made heaven and earth. John pokes her with a pencil. She shouts, "Jesus Christ Almighty!"
The teacher says, "That's right."
The teacher says the next day she asks the same question. John pokes her with a pencil. She shouts, "Jesus Christ Almighty!"
"That's right," the teacher says.
The next day she asks Lily what did Eve say to Adam after their 100th. John pokes her again. "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'mma break it in half!" she shouts.
A girl walks up to her blind friend who she had not seen in a while and says: "Long time no see!"
How do you make a little girl cry for a second time?
By wiping her blood off your dick with her teddy bear.