Time jokes

Being raped is like a dance; sometimes it hurts, sometimes it hurts more.

I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.

Billy: Hey kid, why are you sad?

Orphan: Oh, I'm waiting for my parents.

Billy: Oh, and how long have you been here?

Orphan: About 200 years.

My hair goes just onto my collar bones. WOW! That's longer than I'll live.

Why do kids prefer to spend more time with their dad than their mom?

They already know that their dad is gonna get "Milk" and never return.

Being a police officer in Nunavut must be so fun. They get to play Cut the Rope on the job all the time!

I'm 17, right? Anyways, the other day my parents told me a joke they made 17 years ago, but they still haven't told the joke yet.

Obama, Trump, and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and is going down.

Obama: "This is terrible! We've got to do something -- save the women and children!"

Trump: "Screw the women and children!"

Clinton: "Do you think we have time...?"

I got a PS5 for my nine-year-old sister. At the time, I thought it was the best trade I’d ever made. But now I’m regretting not being able to molest her anymore.

My mate caught me sniffing his disabled sister's knickers the other day. It wouldn't have been so bad, but she was wearing them at the time. It made the rest of the funeral so awkward.

So who did it? the I.S.S. teacher said.

1 hour before:

So let me get...

Random person: Wait, what? You BROKE UP WITH HER!

Me: I SWEAR, JHONNY, THIS IS THE 3RD TIME YOU BUTT INTO MY CONVERSATION! SO... HERE... YOU... GO! *punches*

TJ's hairline is so far back, if you travel back in time, you still won't find it.

Yo mama so fat, every time she measures her carbon footprint the website breaks.

Yesterday my mom forgot to go grocery shopping, and I was starving, so I kept opening the fridge about 100 times, but nothing new was in there.

Can anyone answer this riddle? Apparently this is the world's hardest riddle! Good luck 😝

“I turn polar bears white, and I will make you cry. I make guys have to pee, and girls comb their hair. I make celebrities look stupid, and normal people look like celebrities.”

My teacher got so mad at me for making 9/11 jokes, she hit me twice and I said, "Damn, got hit twice!"

I just beat the Hollow Knight and found it takes 26 hours to beat it, but it took me 69 hours to beat it.

A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.

He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later there's a knock at the door.

He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says, "What was that all about?"

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?” When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good,” and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Savior?” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!” The Teacher fainted.

Little Johnny’s father walks into the bathroom and catches him masturbating. He says, “Son, every time you do that, you kill an innocent baby.”

The next day, his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again. Johnny says, “Bow your head, Dad. Can’t you see we’re having a funeral?”