Time jokes
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Your mamma so fat Thanos had to clap 4 times.
Sunday was a sad day, but yesterday was a sadder day.
What does the dumb kid say to the blind kid?
"Long time no see!"
Your forehead is so big it takes 3-4 business days.
Your forehead is so leaned back you can see the dinosaurs.
Yo mama so fat, her belly enters the room 10 minutes before she does.
What do you call an Emo in the hanging gallows?
Happy for the first time.
When is the only time Kamala Harris is using her head? When she is giving head.
What's the only time women are doing real work? When they are giving blow jobs.
Who are the fastest readers?
9/11 victims, they did 98 stories in 10 seconds.
What's the only time a Pentagon has four sides? When a plane intercepts into it.
How many times did Rob O'Neill shoot Bin Laden? 911 times.
Time really freezes when you're stuck on a sinking ship.
Doctors in the Middle Ages, Plague doctor: "I must have some herbs to block out bad air."
Doctors now: "God, WTF were we doing back then?"
Why did the dinosaur take a bath?
So it can get ex-stinked!
A friend called me a while back saying, "I have COVID.... I can't breathe, I really have a hard time breathing."
I reply saying, "Dude, you need to work on your George Floyd jokes."
If her age is on the clock, she can sit on my cock.
Sara opens her lunch and reads the letter inside. "I packed your favorite -love mom," Sara reaches in and announces "yay PB and J!" Tom goes in his lunch and pulls out a letter "go buy yourself something healthy at the cafeteria -Dad," then pulls out 20 bucks and says "nice!" They both look at Craig as he pulls out a letter. Craig reads the letter in his head, it said "WE HAVE YOUR PARENTS, THEY TELL US THEY KEEP THE MONEY UNDER THEIR BED. BRING $10 000 TO THE RANDAVOU POINT OR THEY WILL BE KILLED. YOU DIDN'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY LAST TIME SO THERE IS MORE PROOF IN YOUR LUNCH." Craig throws down the letter and pulls a finger out of his lunch. Tom and Sara look shocked, then Craig says "ugh, severed finger, again!"
I am never wrong. One time I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.