Three jokes

A young couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then he asks the middle-aged couple the same question, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."

There were these three men; their names were Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, they were riding in their car, and Shit fell out, so Manners went out to pick Shit up, and Shut up went to the police station.

When he got there, the police officer said, "What's your name, son?" and Shut up said, "Shut up." The officer replies with, "Ummm...excuse me?!" and Shut up said, "Shut up!" and the officer said, "Boy, where are your manners?" and Shut up said, "Round the corner picking up Shit!"

OK, there are at least 3 pedophiles in your neighborhood.

But there are no pedophiles in my neighborhood; there are only three 10-year-old girls with juicy asses.

A cowboy rides into a ranch on Sunday, stays three days, and leaves on Friday. How is this possible?

It's kinda sad seeing you attempt to put your whole vocabulary in one sentence. Oh wait, you only said three words.

One morning I saw three kids were bullying one other kid because they didn't have a dad...

Later that day the three same kids were walking toward an orphanage. :)

What are three things the Twin Towers have in common with my dad? They are big, sexy, and smashed your mom.

"I have a three-head."

"I have a four-head."

Bald people have a seven-head.

When you want Pringles, but a fat person was eating them, there were only three left, sweety.

I was Gandalf the Grey.

But now, after just three washes...

How can you tell that a blonde likes you? She only gives three fucking nights in a row.

David’s parents have three sons: Snap, Crackle, and what’s the name of the third son?

Answer: David.

There are three types of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who can’t.

I tried having a three-way with two physicists, but they couldn't solve the three-body problem.

So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.

Three boys are in the 4th grade; one is black, one is white, and the other is Hispanic. Who has the biggest penis?

The black one... he's 13!

Why did Catholic women stop going to church?

Because it takes Jesus three days to rise.

There were four people who went to land... only three returned... Why?

They left someone for memories!

What's the difference between three cocks and a joke?

Your mom can't take a joke.

What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?

A kitchen chair! Your momma sits in it for lunch, and your dad only manages to reattach one of the two legs that broke off by evening.