Thought jokes

Your forehead so big you got to go outside to think.

If Opposition Expunged thought he was an animal, what would Thearchy be called?

Therianarchy!

I thought the Sahara was the largest desert until I saw your forehead.

I was at a My Chemical Romance meet and greet that Gerard didn’t attend, I just thought... “NO WAY!”

"We can't go under... We can't go over... Oh no, we got to go through it!"

I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that’s just nuts.

Who wants to laugh about life with me?

Yo mama so stupid she thought seaweed was something fish smoke.

Try to make a joke, but not about yourself.

Well, I have nothing.

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.

Turns out it was the fridge.

Yo mama is so stupid, she thought keeping you was a good idea!

What word starts with n and ends with r and you wouldn’t wanna call a Black person?

You really thought n****r, didn't you?

The brain named itself, and when the brain realized that it named itself, it was surprised.

But maybe, it was a spelling mistake and the brain wanted the name Brian. We all have a little Brian in us!

When I was a kid, I knew a woman named Betty Pears.

She died a horrible death from Alzheimer's.

I thought a pear was a fruit, not a vegetable!

Roses are red, violets are blue. I thought Voldemort was ugly, then I saw you.

Last week I felt so high and mighty I thought I could fly. I took one shot, puffed through my pipe, and jumped in the air on a trampoline. I woke up in heaven.

I asked an angel, "How did I die?"

"Well, little monkey, you thought your bed was a trampoline and you hit your head. Your mom called the doctor, and the doctor said you were dead."

A teacher was teaching her second-grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, “Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the workforce, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.”

“I still don't get it,” responded Little Johnny. “Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,” said the dad. “Okay then...good night,” said Little Johnny and went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole, he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the workforce, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!"

Mom: Anna, let your younger brother have the sled one half of the time, and you the other half. That way it will all be fair, and I don't have to put up with this crying. I've already got seven others to take care of.

Anna: I do, Mom. I have Fred (younger brother) go up, and I go down!

Mom: Good. Now how 'bout the rest of you go play outside? It's beautiful out there! It's the warmest it's been all year, 45 degrees below 0!

Kids: Wow! I never thought it would warm up! I love Alaska!

I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a ladder the other day and I thought, huh, that's a little con-descending.

My mama always told me, don't pick your nose or it will fall off! I thought she meant my nose.

Hey, give me a break! I'm a little shorthanded!

Oh no, not rock paper scissors again! I always lose. Come on guys, I just lost my finger a day ago! This is Tony, later on.