Thought jokes

Try to make a joke, but not about yourself.

Well, I have nothing.

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.

Turns out it was the fridge.

When I was a kid, I knew a woman named Betty Pears.

She died a horrible death from Alzheimer's.

I thought a pear was a fruit, not a vegetable!

Your forehead is so big, explorers mistakenly thought it was Mount Everest.

Yo mama is so stupid, she thought keeping you was a good idea!

I thought when my friends called me curvy, it was a compliment, but it turns out they were referring to my spine.

What word starts with n and ends with r and you wouldn’t wanna call a Black person?

You really thought n****r, didn't you?

I thought a waitress said to me, "You're good looking." In fact, she was asking if I'd like some pudding.

The brain named itself, and when the brain realized that it named itself, it was surprised.

But maybe, it was a spelling mistake and the brain wanted the name Brian. We all have a little Brian in us!

The ball kept getting bigger and bigger...

And then it hit me.

Yo mama is such a creep; she thought PTSD stood for "Please Touch Small Dicks."

I went to the grocery and they said I did something wrong, but I thought they were talking about a food, so I said, "Wrong yummy!"

You ever look back at your ex and are like, "Wow! What was I thinking?"

Then I start to think I was the problem :(

Just kidding, fuck that asshole!

Sam's mum is so fat, when she fell down the stairs, I thought EastEnders finished!

Your hairline is pushed back; we can see what you are thinking of.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I thought Voldemort was ugly, then I saw you.

Why did Amy Winehouse snort Splenda?

She thought it was Diet Coke.

What did the autistic kid say to his girlfriend after they broke up?

"I thought what we had was special!"

One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.

The reason they attacked the towers is because the terrorists thought the towers were giant middle fingers pointed at them. What silly saudis!