Thought jokes

I have a friend who recently stopped smoking, and the withdrawal was causing hallucination. He went to my house and thought there was a shark in the pond in my backyard. So, I would like to dedicate these lyrics to my friend: "I see a dreamer over there by the water!"

Your dick is so small they thought you were a girl when you came into the world.

The parents who left their kids on the side of the road should have thought twice and got an abortion.

My step bro thought I was single and tried to take me, but I said, "I'm take." And guess what he did? He cried.

Why? Why would you do that?

Your mama is so fat, when scientists discovered her, they thought it was a new galaxy.

Someone went to fly and thought of pizza.

Your mama is so fat, when I think of her in my head, she just broke my neck.

Your momma is so fat, when she chose a yellow shirt when she was on a run, the kids ran after her because they thought they missed the bus.

When I saw your hairline, I thought you worked at McDonald’s.

I thought happiness started with an “H.” Why does my happiness start with “U”?

Some dude: Water you thinking?

Me: You're drowning in my head.

Friend: If you could get rid of any one person in your life, who would it be?

Me: Me.

Friend: *does nothing*

(x_x)

I forgot that I don't have friends.

If Joe Biden was on stage and he heard gunshots, he probably would’ve thought it was the ice cream truck.

My sister is so stupid, she thought LBJ was Spanish for blowjob.

I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

She said, "She was a little tardy."

I asked her, "I thought they all were."

"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."

My grandma walked up on my doorstep and I grabbed my bible... I thought she was a smurf...

A doctor slept with one of his patients and thought to himself, "This is wrong, but some doctors do it..." He is a vet.

"Yo mama so skinny when she swallowed a meatball, everyone thought she was pregnant again."

My cousin said he wonders why people have sex with animals, and now I can’t stop thinking about it.

Ol’ McDonald had a farm e-I-e-I-oh.