Thought jokes

I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a ladder the other day and I thought, huh, that's a little con-descending.

My mama always told me, don't pick your nose or it will fall off! I thought she meant my nose.

Hey, give me a break! I'm a little shorthanded!

Oh no, not rock paper scissors again! I always lose. Come on guys, I just lost my finger a day ago! This is Tony, later on.

Yo mama so stupid, she thought Fruit Ninja was a gay weeaboo!

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

I walked up to a group of moms having a conversation while waiting to pick up their kids from day care. They were using cutesy words like "ankle biters", "rug rats," and other terms I've heard parents use before when describing their toddlers.

I thought I'd chime in; as it turns out, "carpet muncher" doesn't mean what I thought it does.

Bully: You're a loser and fat.

Me: Shut up. The camera thought you were a house.

A mom cow's last words were to the mom cow's son. They were, "You are..." then died. The son thought that he was adopted, but then three years later, the mom cow rose from the dead and said to her son that she was going to say, "You were adorable." Then she died once more. Then two years later, she rose from the dead for the last time to say to her son, "And that's why we adopted you."

I have a friend who recently stopped smoking, and the withdrawal was causing hallucination. He went to my house and thought there was a shark in the pond in my backyard. So, I would like to dedicate these lyrics to my friend: "I see a dreamer over there by the water!"

My step bro thought I was single and tried to take me, but I said, "I'm take." And guess what he did? He cried.

Why? Why would you do that?

The parents who left their kids on the side of the road should have thought twice and got an abortion.

Your dick is so small they thought you were a girl when you came into the world.

A doctor slept with one of his patients and thought to himself, "This is wrong, but some doctors do it..." He is a vet.

Your momma is so fat, when she chose a yellow shirt when she was on a run, the kids ran after her because they thought they missed the bus.

When I saw your hairline, I thought you worked at McDonald’s.

I thought happiness started with an “H.” Why does my happiness start with “U”?

Some dude: Water you thinking?

Me: You're drowning in my head.

Friend: If you could get rid of any one person in your life, who would it be?

Me: Me.

Friend: *does nothing*

(x_x)

I forgot that I don't have friends.

Someone went to fly and thought of pizza.

Your mama is so fat, when I think of her in my head, she just broke my neck.

"Yo mama so skinny when she swallowed a meatball, everyone thought she was pregnant again."