Thought jokes

I thought a waitress said to me, "You're good looking." In fact, she was asking if I'd like some pudding.

Sam's mum is so fat, when she fell down the stairs, I thought EastEnders finished!

Your hairline is pushed back; we can see what you are thinking of.

Why did Amy Winehouse snort Splenda?

She thought it was Diet Coke.

What did the autistic kid say to his girlfriend after they broke up?

"I thought what we had was special!"

You ever look back at your ex and are like, "Wow! What was I thinking?"

Then I start to think I was the problem :(

Just kidding, fuck that asshole!

My grandfather said that ppl rely on technology too much these days, so I thought about what he said and decided to unplug his life support.

Why did a Mexican go to Home Depot?

Because he thought it said "Home Deport."

"Your mother has been with us for 20 years," said John. "Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?"

"My mother?" replied Helen. "I thought she was your mother."

Your daddy's so fat, he tripped over a rock. He thought it was a chip.

Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries."

So many things are going through my head.

How am I not dead yet?

Yo mama so fat, when she was wearing black by a bank which was getting robbed, they thought, "AHH SWAT!"

Your mum is so fat, she thought Dunkin' Donuts was a basketball team.

Quote of the day:

Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day.

[Comment your favorite fall beverage!]

Yo mama so fat, when she was telling me her weight, I thought she was telling me her number.

Your hairline is so far back that when I put on my glasses, I thought I saw an "M" for McDonald's on your hairline.

We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.

But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.

Once I was asked to perform snail jokes at a stand-up comedy night. I certainly snailed it because the crowd thought it was shellerious.

I've recently been treated with Asthma and have been prescribed penicillin. One day I was taking it and a man screaming "SUIII" came into the room and stole it! He thought the penicillin would give him penalties. I couldn't breathe, shame on you Penaldo for ruining my life!