Thought jokes

Why did Amy Winehouse snort Splenda?

She thought it was Diet Coke.

Try to make a joke, but not about yourself.

Well, I have nothing.

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.

Turns out it was the fridge.

The brain named itself, and when the brain realized that it named itself, it was surprised.

But maybe, it was a spelling mistake and the brain wanted the name Brian. We all have a little Brian in us!

I thought a waitress said to me, "You're good looking." In fact, she was asking if I'd like some pudding.

One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.

Sam's mum is so fat, when she fell down the stairs, I thought EastEnders finished!

Your hairline is pushed back; we can see what you are thinking of.

The ball kept getting bigger and bigger...

And then it hit me.

Yo mama so ugly when she played Five Nights at Freddy's, they thought that she was already in an animatronic costume.

We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.

But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.

Once I was asked to perform snail jokes at a stand-up comedy night. I certainly snailed it because the crowd thought it was shellerious.

Your daddy's so fat, he tripped over a rock. He thought it was a chip.

Why did a Mexican go to Home Depot?

Because he thought it said "Home Deport."

Quote of the day:

Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day.

[Comment your favorite fall beverage!]

My grandfather said that ppl rely on technology too much these days, so I thought about what he said and decided to unplug his life support.

Yo mama so fat, when she was telling me her weight, I thought she was telling me her number.

"Your mother has been with us for 20 years," said John. "Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?"

"My mother?" replied Helen. "I thought she was your mother."

I went to the grocery and they said I did something wrong, but I thought they were talking about a food, so I said, "Wrong yummy!"

Yo mama is such a creep; she thought PTSD stood for "Please Touch Small Dicks."