Thought jokes
What's brown and sticky?
A stick. Get your head out of the gutters... Jeez!
Your forehead's so big, when you were being born, the doctors thought you had no face.
On my Tinder profile, I said, "I prefer quality over quantity." I just thought it sounded nicer than saying "no fat birds."
My fortune cookie said, "Your existing plans will succeed." Not necessarily, since I'm suicidal...
We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.
But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.
Someone went to fly and thought of pizza.
I got arrested for raping a girl. Its so unfair, i really thought she was dead.
Yo mama so ugly when she played Five Nights at Freddy's, they thought that she was already in an animatronic costume.
Yo mama so stupid, she made Patrick run away because he thought it was contagious! 🤣
Are you suicide? Because you are always on my mind.
There is this celebrity everybody thought was so down to earth. That was until he hung himself.
Yo mama so stupid, she thought Kobe Bryant survived the plane crash.
My bestie: Are you dirty-minded?
Me: Do I have dirt in my mind? No.
1 minute silence for those who still think thoughts can't kill you.
If I don't find a reason to live soon, my ceiling fan isn't the only thing that's gonna be hanging from my ceiling.
New Windex ad:
You should get Windex for that dirty mind!
The parents who left their kids on the side of the road should have thought twice and got an abortion.
A young Greek couple got married, and at their wedding...
...the mother of the bride took the bride aside for a quick chat.
"My sweet," she said, "you're now a woman. I'm so proud. Some advice for you now that you're married: Greek men are very particular, and at some point when you're making love to your new husband, he might suggest that you 'turn around,' if you know what I mean. If that sort of thing makes you uncomfortable, do not feel pressured to say yes."
The bride thanked her mother for the advice, and the wedding continued. That night, as she and her husband consummated the marriage, she was mildly surprised to learn that he never asked her to 'turn around.'
They spent a beautiful week together on their honeymoon and made love many times. But still, to her mild surprise, her husband never asked her to 'turn around.'
Their one year anniversary arrived, and they made love to celebrate the milestone. But again, to her mild surprise, the husband never asked her to 'turn around.' This continued for years: their second anniversary, third, fourth...
Finally, on their fifth anniversary, her husband started getting romantic with her in bed and said, "Honey, we've been married for five years. I was thinking we maybe try something new. I thought this time you could 'turn around,' if you know what I mean."
She replied, emphatically, "No! No, I do not do that, I am not that kind of woman!"
Without getting defensive, her husband simply said, "That's all well and good, honey. But I thought you said you wanted children?"
An orphan saw a tornado, and he thought he saw his mom, but then he realized it was a corpse and said, "Hi, Dad!"
How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? They marched in backwards and the Polish people thought they were leaving.