Son: Dad am I adopted? Father: What? No! Out of all the kids in the adoption center do you really think I would pick u?
I was thinking about you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
I don't think my gf likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.
How many feminist does it take to change a lightbulb?
What makes you think feminist can change anything
Yo mama so stupid she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.
A boy breaks a vase and his mom says its ok honey mistakes happen how do you think you were born
So I heard the CEO gave her daughter a really good spot in the company. Everyone is mad but I think it just goes to show that it pays to sleep with your boss.
A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: do you know how often people die from AIDS?
I said: now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.
When I get suicidal everyone worrys I don't know why becasue that is when I'm the happpiest thinking about death
Rape can happen to anybody, so I think I will continue taking the short cut home through the dark alleyways wearing barely anything and walk really close to bushes
Dont worry if you think your life sucks. Just remember that people are arguing over the gender of a potato head
What do teen mothers and their unborn babies have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh my God, my mom's gonna kill me!"
A woman comes to the doctors an says ‘doctor, I think I have cancer’ the doctor checks it out ‘it’s all in your head’ the doctor says ‘phew’ said the woman, ‘a bunch of tumors, all in your head’
What were the terrorist on 911 thinking? "we can't go over it." "can't go under it." "we have to go through it!"
My uncle can't walk straight i think it's because he's gay
My wife thinks i'm immature, so I told her to get out of my fort.
Dad: "Son, does mommy like having lady-friends over?"
Son: "Nah, mostly men."
Dad: "Do you think you'd be comfortable telling that to a judge in court.."
[Them]: "Don't you think you'll feel ashamed of all the suicide jokes you've made when you get older?"
[Me]: "When I what?" 0-0
Dad: School is cancelled, I think your teacher died or something Me: Wow they found the body already? Dad: :/
When the school shooter pulls the fire alarm and the autistic kid thinks it’s a rave party.
