A proud new dad sits down with his own father.
His father says, "Son, you now have a child of your own, so I think it's time I gave you this." And so, he pulls out a book: 1001 Dad Jokes.
The young man says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi, Honored, I'm Dad."
911, what's your emergency?
Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.
Well, it's not a living room anymore.
Me: Hangs up.
I'm so gay I could barely think straight.
Little Johnny and his teacher were telling each other jokes and riddles. His teacher asked, "Three birds were sitting on a wire, a hunter shot one. How many are left?" Little Johnny replied, "None, because the sound would scare the other two away." His teacher said, "No, but I like the way you think!"
Little Johnny replied, "Alright, now I have one for you. What goes in dry and hard and comes out soft and hard?" His teacher was shocked and said, "Little Johnny!" He replied, "It's gum! But I like the way you think!"
My wife thinks I'm immature, so I told her to get out of my fort.
Dad: "Son, does mommy like having lady-friends over?"
Son: "Nah, mostly men."
Dad: "Do you think you'd be comfortable telling that to a judge in court?"
When the school shooter pulls the fire alarm, and the autistic kid thinks it’s a rave party.
Dad: School is canceled, I think your teacher died or something.
Me: Wow, they found the body already?
Dad: :/
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store.
I said to him: "I don't think they have what you're looking for, sir."
How do you think the unthinkable? With an iceberg.
A priest and a nun are traveling across the desert on a camel, and when all of a sudden the camel dies. They’re in the middle of the desert with no hope of rescue when that night the priest thinks to himself that he can’t die a virgin. He looks over at the nun and pulls out his penis. The nun says, "Father, what is that?" He says, "This, sister, is the wand of life." The nun says, "Good, now go stick it in that camel's ass and let’s get the hell out of here!"
What type of people think rape jokes are funny?
Only the coolest people in the world! I fucking love you guys 😂
A wise man once said, "don't think young, think tight." He was a priest.
What do you think is going through kids' heads during school shootings? Bullets.
I think Paul Walker and 9/11 jokes are great, but when I tell them to others, they tend to crash and burn.
When the school shooter finds you and you think you’re gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Obama, Trump, and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and is going down.
Obama: "This is terrible! We've got to do something -- save the women and children!"
Trump: "Screw the women and children!"
Clinton: "Do you think we have time...?"
What do you think would fall to the ground first, an emo kid or a leaf?
The leaf. The rope would stop the emo kid.
I was talking to a beaver about my life. I don't think he really gave a dam about it at all.
