Think jokes

Heard Stephen Hawking is in a new movie and that the theme tune is absolutely banging. Think the opening line goes something like, “They see me rolling, they hating.”

Three sons left home, went out into the world, and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.

"I built a big house for our mum," said the first.

"I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur," said the second.

And the third smiled and said, "I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it."

A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,

"The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house."

To the second son she said, "I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude."

To the third son she wrote "Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Like if you think rape jokes are funny.

So, a mom and a dad take their son to a therapist.

“What seems to be the problem?” the therapist asked.

“Our son thinks he’s a refrigerator!” they said.

So the therapist replies, “Oh dear, that must be a problem.”

“Yeah, he sleeps with his mouth open, and the light is really bright.”

When the emo kid hangs himself and the autistic kid thinks that it's a piñata... BATTER UP TO THE PLATE!

I think it was wrong for that school shooter to end his life at the scene.

He could have done some good by becoming some lonely lifer's bottom.

Hey so I like orphan jokes, and some of them are fun, but I think that's engonp.

One day a teacher stands up in front of her class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and says that if there is one, then he/she should stand up.

After a minute, a boy stands up.

The teacher then asks the boy if he actually thinks he's an idiot.

The boy says, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

I'm not into scatplay. In fact, I think that shit's disgusting.

Your forehead is so big, you think in 4K.

What's long and hard and has c*m in the middle? Cucumber. What were you thinking?

What is a pirate's favorite letter?

You'd think it'd be R, but really his heart will always belong to the C.

Sad to think about legend O.G. Mudbone being no longer with us.

I’m only curious how they closed his casket.

Some people think incest jokes are funny.

I just think it's all relative.

What did Pepper say to Spray?

"Hey Spray, I'm Pepper, and I think we should fight crime!"

What do you think fish tasted like before women started swimming?

That moment when you think the music is loud enough to fart and no one would notice, but then you realize that you have headphones on.

Some dude: Water you thinking?

Me: You're drowning in my head.

The best news about a pretty girl with special needs is that you can get her to do exactly what you want her to do.

I mean, she probably thinks receiving oral is like 100% blood sausage coming right at her.

At the back of Abraham Lincoln's mind, next to the bullet hole, he was thinking about how slavery is wrong.